It's official. Less than thirty days remain until my surgery. It's starting to get old . . . the waiting . . . but what's thirty days after already waiting 474 days and having cancer in between? It's the last month and it's feeling like it's going to be a tough one. I'm having trouble staying motivated to workout and watch what I'm eating. I'm eating a lot of processed and high sodium foods which wreaks havoc on the scale every morning so I feel like I'm doing horrible when really a couple of days of clean eating and lots of water would bring that number down. I'm looking everywhere for inspiration and motivation.

I am very motivated to lose the weight, but I'm more concerned with making this lifestyle change. I don't ever want to be where I am today . . . nearly 200 pounds overweight (at the beginning of this journey there was enough of me to be three people!!!) with diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, depression, ovarian cancer (and I don't care what my oncologist says because he's trying to be kind . . . I know my obesity contributed to my propensity to get cancer). I am on ten prescription medications -- that's 23 pills each day! I've been obese for most of my life, so clearly none of the lifestyle changes have stuck in the past. What's going to make this time different?

Honestly, for the first time in forty-one years, I think I'm doing this for me. I have a husband who loves me and thinks I'm sexy at 350 or 150 pounds. I don't need to lose the weight so I can get pregnant . . . can't get pregnant anymore. Don't care what people think of me at this point after 41 years. I'm fat. Deal with it. I'm doing this because I don't want to die early and miss out on everything and I want some quality of life while I'm living. That's it. I'm taking care of me!

Wow. This entry really a took a turn. I was going to jump on and quickly blog about an observation I had this evening. Here's that for what it's worth: I cleaned out my refrigerator over the weekend. Got rid of anything that was expired or of "questionable" age. Scubbed everything down. Looking in there tonight thinking about what to make for dinner, I love the way it looks. It's kind of empty. And a lot of the food in there is healthy and really good for me . . . organic eggs, natural peanut butter, high fiber tortillas, water, fresh fruit and vegetables. It looks the way it feels to go to bed a little hungry after a day of clean eating and a good workout. I like that feeling. I want to have it more often. Maybe this time the lifestyle change will stick.