Today's entry has been a long time in coming. I started thinking about it last Thursday and was sure that I had loads to write. Little did I know that I really hadn't gotten to the bottom of everything yet . . .

It's 11:35PM here. It's Monday night. Two more days until my surgery on the 30th. You'd think I'd be excited and happy after all of the waiting, but I am still apprehensive and unsure. I'm not unsure of whether I want to have the surgery or not. I'm sure I do. I am worried that even after the surgery I will not be able to take complete control of my body, my eating, my movement, my health. I'm still a little worried that I won't be able to get the procedure once she sees what's left of my abdomen after last year's cancer surgery. I'm afraid without the "full monty" gastric bypass (drastic bypass as a friend who had it has called it) that I won't have the willpower to do this. Worry, worry, worry.

I procrastinated a bit too much getting all of my ducks in a row before surgery. I really should be more prepared at this point. That's a perfectionist for you . . . procrastinate so long that you don't have nearly enough time to do it perfectly - story of my life.

Volunteering
So in the middle of preparing to leave work for several weeks and get my household in order before surgery, the Juvenille Court case that I am assigned to as CASA has started to go completely nuclear . . . I got a notice on Wednesday that I need to be in court on September 30. They've moved up the court date and are going to petittion for temporary custody of the children. Ooops! But I can't be in the operating room and court at the same time. So, last Wednesday I busted out a report to file with the court with my reccommendations. I also spent Thursday night in meetings about this and Friday on phone. Awesome. (Not really.)

Work
In addition to everything else going on in my life right now I got the news from my boss last week that there is going to be a reduction in my management team (twelve managers reporting to my boss) in the next month or so. We've been taking alot of reductions in the past twelve months where I work thanks to alternative sourcing options a.k.a. outsourcing and "right"sizing. We've let enough employees go that we don't need as many managers. So, they've put together a business case. More likely than not, when I walked out of the office last Friday, that was my last day. Boss hasn't said that, but I know what our company's policy is about reductions. Criteria are:
- company need
- skill set
- job performance
- length of service

So, there is no need for as many managers as we have. We all share the same skill set. I really can't think of anyone on our management team that is doing poorly. We're all pretty successful. So we come to length of service. My fourth anniversary with the company will be 10/16/2010. Needless to say, I am the baby of the group. Everyone else has at least 10 years with the company. So . . . I have no idea if I will be returning to work after my surgery or not. Awesome. (Not really.)

Truck, or rather no truck
Friday evening while I was feeling sorry for myself and getting pretty wasted, I got a call from my husband to tell me he would be late because he was in a car accident. Everyone was okay and it wasn't Bob's fault, but darn it if his less than year old pickup, his baby, wasn't totalled. The claim adjuster is coming tomorrow - truck's not drivable, cab frame is bent - so we'll know more then, but just one more thing. Awesome. (Not really.)

The Future
Honestly, I am more worried about my weight than I am about losing my job. I'll find something. I hope. I'm pretty employable. Mad skills and a fast learner. Plus, I really don't like my current job. I LOVE the people I work with. I have the best team every and I will miss them very much, but the job itself sucks.

I would love to be able to use this bump in the road of my career to rethink somethings and see if I can't find a more fulfilling job. There's something about being told you have a terminal illness that really changes your priorities. I no longer care how much money or status is involved in my job/career. I just want to make a difference. I'm not sure my husband feels great about me using this as an opportunity to "find myself." He likes me in the role of primary wage earner and is worried things could get a little more intense for him in the workplace if I don't find a job with similar pay pretty quickly. See, I'm thinking this would be a wonderful opportunity to finish my masters and start a new career. Awesome. (Really. Could be.)

Not really sure if this is a fork in the road or a series of hairpin twists and turns or an off-ramp or what. I just know that in the next couple of weeks I am probably going to be doing a lot of introspection . . . and updating my resume.

Thanks CK friends . . . Namaste.