I put up a good fight, but in the end I still lost. Last night, I bloged. I distracted. I tired a small serving. I was better off staying hungry then having just a small serving. As soon as i started eating, i couldn't stop. My DIL has amazing metabolism. She's a stick. She's had a baby, so her youthful metabolism has past, yet she can eat a 1500 calorie meal and top it off with a 500 calorie dessert and then snack on muchies and chocolates the rest of the night. She doesn't exercise.... not even a little bit. This is not an occassional habit of hers, it's every meal every day. How am I supposed to stick to my guns when i have to sit and watch and continually feed her unsatisfiable hunger? Weight loss is so unfair.

Long story short I lost the battle, but not the fight. I look at my weight problem as a disease. Like alcoholics or diabetics or MS. It's not something I can take a pill or change my attitude and make it go away. I'll never be able to live a normal life. I have to count every calorie, i have to stop before I'm full or satisfied. Unless I succumb to a binge, I'm starving all the time. A snack to tide me over until dinner will not satisfy me. I cannot sit down to eat without a mental battle to stay in control. I have to live the life of an anorexic just to maintain my daily calorie and exercise commitments; by that i mean the mental status of an anorexic. I'll never deprive myself of nutrition or my daily 1200 calories (as if i could), but i have to keep thinking like an anorexic just to be at a normal weight. Just to exercise at a normal rate. I'm not obsessive. I don't sacrifice or push myself physically past the limits of what is considered normal. Yet i have to maintain the anorexic mentality just to be "normal".

Unlike the alcoholic I cannot eliminate food from my life. Unlike the diabetic I cannot use insulin to keep my blood sugar in check. Unlike MS I cannot use my disease as a reason to explain why I have to take preventive measures for my health. I'm ridiculed all the time. My healthy food choices. My options to walk on break and lunches, park farthest from the store, take the stairs, I'm told I'm obsessive. Yet I have to be, one little slip, one little "just this once" and i've lost the fight. The disease takes over and all my symptoms reappear. The weight gain, the depression, the laziness, the binging. Weight control is so unfair and I'm so sick and so very tired of having to explain myself, justify my actions, protect myself from the cookie/candy pushers.

Yes the battles are many and often I lose. Yet, I continue to fight and often I win. I have no alternative. My life depends on it. I'll never go back to 200 lbs or even 150 lbs. I can't. I'll die first. That is my advantage, the flight or fight instinct of basic animal survival. I had to crawl through the scum of despair to take back my life and damn it, I'm keeping all the progress I've made. I'll fight the battles and i'll take my victories and learn from my defeats. Battle-on warriors.