The snow falls swiftly and silently outside my window. Ripping spring away from my grasp once more. Along with the loss of my sunshine, I, once again, have failed. I cannot control my binging. Therefore, I cannot control my weight. Therefore, I cannot control my self-esteem. I do not understand what makes my brain tick. I do not understand why, while my mind screams obscenities at me, I continually feed my growing lust for food.

I'm not hungry. I'm not bored, or am I? What don't i just exercise? I love it. I crave it. The snow, the lack of sunshine weakens me. I'm lost in black fog, my hopes and dreams forgotten. My binges are on weekends, after a full week of self-control. A full week of careful counting and planning. I don't go hungry. I'm well nourished. I meet my caloric requirements. I have a variety of foods that please my palate. Why does the weekend lead to old behaviors? Why do I allow myself to go unchecked? Why?

My spirit crumbles. I want to crawl into my blankets and let the snow bury me. I'm worthless. I can't even complete the simplest of tasks.

I would never hurt the ones I love. I will suffer in silence so that they will not bear witness to my pain. I would never inflict agony upon them. My leaving would tear them apart. I would never do that. I will walk through a desert of doom and despair. Swim an ocean of gloom and dismay; but I would never hurt them. They will never know of my agony.