I have issues. My issues are buried in controlling food. I can control the food. I say when, where, how much and what kind I will consume. I have not yet learned to control why I consume.

Food consumption is for nutrition, energy, health and occasionally pleasure. There is nothing wrong with sitting down to a nice meal, getting together with friends and/or family, or the occasional calorie loaded, fat riddled dessert, just because it tastes good and brings pleasure to both the mind and palate. I have no problem controlling food consumption in these situations. I have complete control. I have no regrets.

Then, out of the blue, without rhyme or reason, my will power becomes possessed. Like an out of body experience, I watch helplessly as I consume anything and everything with in reach. I must taste each morsel. Each morsel then sets off the voracious craving of the opposite substances. It's a catch-22. The craving for sweet starts the craving for salty, salty then leaves a craving for sweet. The craving for crunchy sets off the craving for creamy. The craving for carbs sets off the craving for protein. Each craving rolling over and over the other, igniting my insatiable yearning for consumption of food. The unappeasable desires quickly gathering speed and girth, like a snowball rolling down a hill.

This weekend I will make a new friend. I will invite the enemy into my home. I will sit the enemy down and talk to the enemy about why I am angry with them. I will tell the enemy he is holding the wrong person, me, accountable for the actions of others. I will tell the beast who hurt me and why. I will be very specific with what should have be done, what would have been right, fair, or decent, what would have solved the problem in the first place.

I will not be careless when I approach the beast. I will eat at maintenance for the week prior, so I will be well nourished and strong. I will hold everyone accountable to the Beast of Binge. Instead of stuffing in what I want to say, be, do; I will let it out. The beast and I will reconcile my hurt, my anger, and my frustrations on my terms. I will write the rules. When all the talking is done, when all the emotions are released and held up for the beast to see and examine, the light awareness dawning upon his hideous face. Then, the Beast of Binge will become my dinner guest. I will allow him to gorge until he is satiated, without restraint, without guilt.

Binging is about control, or the lack thereof. I have lost control. When I cannot control the actions of others, I hold those emotions in, and then with my self-esteem weakened and weary, I cannot control my intake of food. I will release control. I will release the hurt and confusion caused by the actions of others and I will allow the Beast of Binge free reign. Thereby, taking the power to control me away from the ones who have hurt and/or angered me. Thereby, taking the power away from the Beast of Binge to control my impulse eating. Thereby, taking back my life. I will become friends with the enemy, so that the enemy becomes a friend.

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A very special Thank You to Anna, for her contributions to this blog and supporting me in my battle for weight control.