11:30pm

I'm having a lonely night. I had e-mails out to two of my clients and hadn't heard anything from either all day. I know I typically work at night (because I also have a day job), but the projects I'm doing for them are for their day jobs. Anyway, I finally heard from both. The both really love the jobs I did on their projects, which is great! The sucky part is I have no one to share it with. I mean, I can tell my dog, but she doesn't care - she just wants a treat, or to go for a walk, or ... I worry so much about what people think of the work I do that when I get comments like I've gotten, I want to jump up and down and share it with someone. It's not fair.

On the same vain, sort of, is the question of my life: why do I care so much about what people think about me? Will there ever come a day when what they think won't matter? I had heard something from a doctor that came into to do a nutritional seminar at our office - that if you want to be 120 pounds, you should eat 120 grams of protein a day. I thought - I can at least try! The problem is, I want to reach 140 pounds (so 140 grams per day) and I don't eat nearly that much. I had used protein powder in the past, so I thought I would get some more. That meant walking into a vitamin or health food shop. It took everything in my power to walk in, shop a little (I had done some research online) and choose a canister. Meanwhile, some hottie weightlifter was checking out. Nothing like feeling inferior. In my mind I kept going through stupid, FALSE stories about why I was there - as if someone would care why I was there! Why can't I just be truthful - especially to myself?
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8:15am

There are days I like to believe I'm not an emotional eater. Really, I'm just bored, and that's why I eat. While I do think that's true to some extent, days like yesterday prove me wrong every time.

I'm stressed at work. You know the saying that goes something like - God will only give as much as you can handle...I just wish He didn't trust me so much. ?? I nearly had a mini meltdown in one of my manager's offices. She keeps throwing things at me. I used to be a proactive person at work. I could anticipate what was going to be needed and handle things in a timely manner. Now it's like I'm behind the eight ball all the time. I realize business can't just stop when we get busy so we have time to catch up. But come on!

I've been fighting this urge for ice cream, or fast food. Last night I gave in. The last couple of weeks when this urge has been there, I've rationalized it with my wallet and the fact that I had spent all day Sunday cooking so I would have dinners ready to go when I got home. All I have to do is heat it up. But last night I gave in. I got home, got the dog all excited to go in a car ride (it was freezing outside, but the car was still warm), and left to get gas...and fast food. The funny thing is, I think I sat in line at the fast food place for nearly 15 minutes (technical difficulties there I think). I had ample opportunity to pull out of line and head home for something far more nutritious. But I didn't.

It probably sounds like I'm being really hard on myself, which isn't necessarily true. I put down all of what I ate yesterday, honestly, and still came out alright. I prefer to see calories left to eat at the end of the day, but I still got that infamous green checkmark.

I'm a little scared to get on the scale this morning. I've been tracking my weight daily to see how it ebbs and flows. Between the sodium intake from Sunday and last night's food run, I'm guessing I'll be up a bit this morning. So...if I am (and even if by some miracle I'm not), it's back to the grindstone. I've done this before, and it's been my catalyst to stop trying. I'm not stopping. I want to fit in that darn airplane seat!