It's over; It's done!! I'm so glad to be done with that test. But I have to say, it was probably the hardest test I've ever taken. And there were so many questions that I did not know. I wanted to cry at a few points during the test. I studied so hard. I faithfully read through the 568 page study guide that was supposed to thoroughly prepare me for comprehensive exams. I made notes and made sure I did not mix up the theorists (there are so many) and types of therapy. I studied statistics so hard and made sure I understood the career development section as I was told the test is heavy in that area. AND still there was so much that I did not study for! That was so frustrating.
At one point when my brain was fried and I wanted to cry, I went to the bathroom and had a talk with myself. I decided that, yes, it's a good possibility that I won't pass. But it is not from lack of studying. If I don't pass, I will take it again at the end of the summer and I will know this time what to study. I will have a better idea of what might be covered and I will use another study guide.
So I went back in the test a little calmer. When I was finished, I went back over the whole test, changed a few answers. But in reviewing, I saw that there really were a lot of questions that I did know and probably got right. I just freaked out at first when I saw how many questions I did not know.
So really I think I did pass, but I won't be surprised if I did not. But I will still probably cry.

Anyway, on to the food issues. It's so awful right now. Last night I binged on the candy. This morning I weighed (because, ya know, I didn't have enough stress) and my weight was up. I hate being in the 150's! Today was supposed to be free day. But after seeing the scale I thought maybe I would make it a light free day. Well, after the test, my friend (who also took the test) and I went out to lunch at a Mexican restaurant. YUM! I ate way too much, then hit the candy when I got home, and went out for icecream with my hubby and kids. I feel so gross right now. I hate when I eat when I'm not hungry and I do that on free day because I want to taste everything that I don't allow myself during the week. Then I feel so gross. Like right now.

So I'm trying to decide what I want to do about my food plan. What I was doing with CK before was not working. I had trouble only have small portions of candy and sometimes other junk food. Really BFL was feeling good to me in that I would tell myself that I chose not to have that food now, but that I could have it on free day. But if I slipped a little, I started a binge. Like last night and on Tuesday. And then as described above, free day is just distgusting. So I'm not sure what to do about that.

I'm about to start Week 4 with BFL. This is about the point where I quit last time. I started trying to make adjustments to the plan and I ended up abandoning it altogether. I don't want to do that again. I wonder if this free day stuff dies down as you move along in the plan. Maybe as you get farther into it, you don't go as crazy. I don't know. I just know I have to make a decision. Am I going to keep going with this or am I going to throw in the towel? I had many moments this week where I just wanted to say forget it.
It really is difficult to give up all junk food 6 days a week. I argue with myself almost everyday. And as you can see, I lost a few battles this week. But once I get going, it's easier to keep going and keep on track. The battles with myself are easier to win. I'm just discouraged because of my lost battle and because of the weight gain.
I think I just have some thinking to do and some refocusing to do. Some major decisions to make about this.
I feel like just saying, HEEEELLLPPP!!!