NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Saturday, May 26 2007 - BFL Week 9 Day 7
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
Food Report
Better than yesterday. Had 2 binges where I overdid it with some junk food. Did not make the best choices. But I'm glad it wasn't as bad as yesterday.
Exercise Report
BFL Lower Body Workout.
Finally after 2 off days, I got my workout in. I had to make myself do it as I was not in the mood. So glad I did it.
Daily Joy Report
I had a wonderful conversation with my husband this afternoon while the kids were napping. I felt so connected to him and it's been a long time since I felt that way. It was like he was the man I married again.
Daily Grattitude Report
I feel grateful for the love my husband has for me--that I know is always there, but isn't always shown. I am so grateful I was able to feel close to him again today. Even if it doesn't happen again for a while, it gave me hope. And I needed that.
Other Thoughts
I have many other thoughts today.
As I'm doing this deep, soul searching journey about how to approach my relationship with food and my body and what will work for me, I started feeling really depressed today. I wanted to crawl back in bed this morning. I didn't want to clean my house. And I couldn't wait for my husband to leave this morning so I could eat icecream. I know, so sad.
And it was really scaring me. This is not how I usually am.
That's why I told my husband what was going on with me this afternoon. I cried and told him how obsessed I was getting with food and losing weight. How I felt depressed. How restricting my food has led to binges and how I have seriously considered purging so many times these past few weeks, but I've never actually done it.
He was so sweet. So caring. His eyes were full of love for me and I hadn't seen that in so long. He was the man he used to be before we had kids.
I haven't been able to share my heart with him for a long time and that has always been important to me in feeling close to him. But there is no time alone--absolutely none since he chooses to fall asleep with our son and then come down stairs to crawl in bed with my at midnight or later.
That is the problem.
I'm going to start putting our son to bed twice a week and get him used to going to sleep on his own without daddy. He does it at nap so it should be no problem. Then my hubby and I will hopefully spend some time together alone.
I have been looking in the mirror lately and thinking about how I really do like my body right now. Yes, I would like to be 10 pounds thinner. But I'm not fat. I'm leaner than before. I am fit and am working to get fitter. I am thinking this self-acceptance might be a good beginning as I search to find my own way. I want to finish the BFL challenge, but I'm doing awful with the food. But I was struggling so much with the food portion.
After seeing Cynthia's wonderful results, I just want to kick myself and say, I could have results like that too if I had just followed the program. She worked hard for those results and had amazing self discipline. For whatever reason, I just don't have it right now.
So I'm wondering, do I lack self-discipline? Or are structured programs like this just not good for some people? Or what is the deal?
Better than yesterday. Had 2 binges where I overdid it with some junk food. Did not make the best choices. But I'm glad it wasn't as bad as yesterday.
Exercise Report
BFL Lower Body Workout.
Finally after 2 off days, I got my workout in. I had to make myself do it as I was not in the mood. So glad I did it.Daily Joy Report
I had a wonderful conversation with my husband this afternoon while the kids were napping. I felt so connected to him and it's been a long time since I felt that way. It was like he was the man I married again.
Daily Grattitude Report
I feel grateful for the love my husband has for me--that I know is always there, but isn't always shown. I am so grateful I was able to feel close to him again today. Even if it doesn't happen again for a while, it gave me hope. And I needed that.
Other Thoughts
I have many other thoughts today.
As I'm doing this deep, soul searching journey about how to approach my relationship with food and my body and what will work for me, I started feeling really depressed today. I wanted to crawl back in bed this morning. I didn't want to clean my house. And I couldn't wait for my husband to leave this morning so I could eat icecream. I know, so sad.
And it was really scaring me. This is not how I usually am.
That's why I told my husband what was going on with me this afternoon. I cried and told him how obsessed I was getting with food and losing weight. How I felt depressed. How restricting my food has led to binges and how I have seriously considered purging so many times these past few weeks, but I've never actually done it.
He was so sweet. So caring. His eyes were full of love for me and I hadn't seen that in so long. He was the man he used to be before we had kids.
I haven't been able to share my heart with him for a long time and that has always been important to me in feeling close to him. But there is no time alone--absolutely none since he chooses to fall asleep with our son and then come down stairs to crawl in bed with my at midnight or later.
That is the problem.
I'm going to start putting our son to bed twice a week and get him used to going to sleep on his own without daddy. He does it at nap so it should be no problem. Then my hubby and I will hopefully spend some time together alone.
I have been looking in the mirror lately and thinking about how I really do like my body right now. Yes, I would like to be 10 pounds thinner. But I'm not fat. I'm leaner than before. I am fit and am working to get fitter. I am thinking this self-acceptance might be a good beginning as I search to find my own way. I want to finish the BFL challenge, but I'm doing awful with the food. But I was struggling so much with the food portion.
After seeing Cynthia's wonderful results, I just want to kick myself and say, I could have results like that too if I had just followed the program. She worked hard for those results and had amazing self discipline. For whatever reason, I just don't have it right now.
So I'm wondering, do I lack self-discipline? Or are structured programs like this just not good for some people? Or what is the deal?
5 comments so far.
5.
a decade ago
Thrilled, thrilled, thrilled about the chance you had to connect with you husband. Keep working on that, and I bet the other issues with resolve themselves
:love:
by JEWELRYLADEE
4.
a decade ago
We all have our moments and times with motivation, etc.. you will have your time Nikki. I am glad you connected with hubby. That is important and for some reason you and I don't have that time and great connection all that often with them and I too treasure those times.
:kiss: Good plan for putting your son to bed a couple nights a week. Ron just being there next to me in bed is such a comfort sometimes... Other times..not so much but we aren't talking about that right now. 
:laugh5: Have a great Sunday. 
:kiss:
by MOM22SONZ
3.
a decade ago
I have a good friend with a son with sensory food issues. It's been so hard for her. Even though she knows it's irrational, she feels like a failure of a mother because she can't do the most basic thing mothers are supposed to do - fee their kids. She's gotten a good therapist for him (not sure what kind - not a shrink kind) who is helping them work through his issues and get him to eat. It's getting much better. Does your son not eat much because of it? Is it a struggle to get him to eat? I wonder if your recent problems with binging could be a reaction to that? The disease my brother has and my step-mother had causes them to have no appetite. They pick at their food and are SO skinny. I've always thought that my sister's problems with weight and overeating are somehow related to that. Growing up in a house that is obsessed with getting one kid to eat can't be easy for the other kid. Anyway, I'm rambling.
:)
by PJENA
2.
a decade ago
I'm so glad you had a good talk with your husband and let him know what's going on with you and that he responded so well. I'm glad you have a therapist appt, too. You sound so much like where I was in January. You'll come through this. It will get better. You've already done the most important thing by recognizing that food/dieting/obsession has become a problem. I hope the rest of the weekend is great!
by PJENA
1.
a decade ago
I am so glad you had a nice talk with your husband!!! I am also glad that you are taking it easy on yourself, you sound like you are willing to do a bit of self examination and that is always a good thing, in my opinion anyway. I hope you have a great Sunday, and Monday.
by UGA889