I had a realization yesterday and I don't know if it's entirely correct (you guys can tell me if I'm off) but I think I've been having a pity party for myself. Poor me, I keep messing up. Poor me, with a form of eating disorder (who here doesn't have that?). Poor me, I might as well give up and eat till I explode.

No more.

I care about myself too much to self-destruct in self-pity and comfort food. Comforting with food only leads to self hatred and I value myself too much for that.

So I decided I have 3 weeks left in this challenge and I'm going to tweak it a little to help me succeed.
Here's what I'm going to change:
1. Don't worry if I can't get a protein in at every snack. Just focus on making healthy choices. (I was being perfectionistic about this; sometimes I just want fruit or yogurt for a snack. Nothing wrong with that.)
2. Eat one "treat" per day. I think this will stave off the binges if I know I can have some kind of treat. I'm thinking of fudgesicles. But if something comes up, that will be my treat. As long as it's a small portion and it does not turn into a binge.
3. On weekends, loosen up on the program, but don't go crazy. If I want to have something with my familly, I'll have it but a small portion.
4. No more free days--incorporate small portions as I go along.

Some things I wrote down last night that I will start doing to help me get on track and stay there:
1. Read Goals Daily!!!
2. Listen to sefl-talk cds.
3. Do Thin Within Exercises.
4. In weak/difficult moments, remind myself of the self-hatred that comes with a binge. Think about how much I care about myself and value myself enough to take care of myself properly.
5. Recognize the emotions connected with desires to eat junk uncontrollably. Have the courage to face those emotions instead of hiding behind food.

I wrote this and more in a journal last night, but I wanted to cement it by writing again here. (and get feedback).
I realize I need a goal date to work toward. That really helps me. So I'm going to keep my BFL date of June 16. I'm still doing the workouts, which are great.

I started reading Thin Within. It's really good. Exactly what I need right now. The part I'm reading right now is about focusing on the present moment with food. Being very aware of your body, your hunger, what you are craving. Understanding the difference between heart hunger and food hunger.
The first exercise is about really enjoying your food and focusing on it while you eat and then being aware when you are satisfied but no overly full.
Really good stuff.