NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Jun 1 2007 - BFL Week 10 Day 6
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
I have a lot to write about today and some of it is very personal. I've been debating about whether to write about it here or not, and have decided to go ahead and do so for 2 reasons: 1. I find writing in my blog to be healing (like Corinne said last week and I agree 
) and 2. maybe someone who reads this will find something helpful. I know I have gained a lot of insight from reading other people's blogs. I am also thinking of printing my blog entries and putting them in a notebook for a journal to keep as a keepsake (and lock it in a safe place.)
Anyway, I hear the baby making noise, so I may get interupted and have to finish later. Just a warning.
I had 2 appointments yesterday.
The first was my yearly physical with my regular doctor. My BMI was 25 and my body fat % was 30.1. She was really happy with those numbers and said I was very healthy. But I'm not happy with those #s and want to get them down. She said it's hard for women to get body fat % down very low.
We are upping my Synthroid and my vitamin D level is extremely low (due to the Celiac) that she is going to consult with a specialist about what to do about that.
My other appt. was with the counselor. Very interesting and here's the very personal stuff.
I began by telling here that I have been getting obsessed with food and losing weight and even have thoughts of purging again. I explained that I recovered from all this in college with the help of a counselor.
She asked me to describe the reasons for the ED the first time and what caused me to recover.
I described how I felt so unlovable in college. I honestly thought no one would love me enough to marry me and that the only chance I had was to get thin. (Sounds so heartbreaking, but that's truly how I felt back then). I describe how low my self-worth was back then, how empty I felt.
And then I started crying as I realized that's exactly how I feel right now.
I mean, I know I am a loveable person and worthy of love. I know I am intelligent and capable and a good mom. But I feel unloved and empty inside because of my marriage.
Seeing the connection to my first experience with the eating disorder was very powerful for me.
Okay, baby's crying. I will have to finish later.
) and 2. maybe someone who reads this will find something helpful. I know I have gained a lot of insight from reading other people's blogs. I am also thinking of printing my blog entries and putting them in a notebook for a journal to keep as a keepsake (and lock it in a safe place.)Anyway, I hear the baby making noise, so I may get interupted and have to finish later. Just a warning.
I had 2 appointments yesterday.
The first was my yearly physical with my regular doctor. My BMI was 25 and my body fat % was 30.1. She was really happy with those numbers and said I was very healthy. But I'm not happy with those #s and want to get them down. She said it's hard for women to get body fat % down very low.
We are upping my Synthroid and my vitamin D level is extremely low (due to the Celiac) that she is going to consult with a specialist about what to do about that.
My other appt. was with the counselor. Very interesting and here's the very personal stuff.
I began by telling here that I have been getting obsessed with food and losing weight and even have thoughts of purging again. I explained that I recovered from all this in college with the help of a counselor.
She asked me to describe the reasons for the ED the first time and what caused me to recover.
I described how I felt so unlovable in college. I honestly thought no one would love me enough to marry me and that the only chance I had was to get thin. (Sounds so heartbreaking, but that's truly how I felt back then). I describe how low my self-worth was back then, how empty I felt.
And then I started crying as I realized that's exactly how I feel right now.
I mean, I know I am a loveable person and worthy of love. I know I am intelligent and capable and a good mom. But I feel unloved and empty inside because of my marriage.
Seeing the connection to my first experience with the eating disorder was very powerful for me.
Okay, baby's crying. I will have to finish later.
10 comments so far.
10.
a decade ago
by MOM22SONZ
9.
a decade ago
Thanks for the compliments.
:love: your new photo! 
:love:
:kiss:
by MOM22SONZ
8.
a decade ago
Nikki - I do know what you mean about going to the local place for the passport, he mentioned that to us on the phone but it has to be within 3 business days of us leaving (which starts next Thurs and we'll be 500 miles from home getting married) and unfortunately the closest place to us is in Chicago!
by CYNTHIALS
7.
a decade ago
oh thanks for that link..i like it alot. i think about that all the time, that its more than just the number on the scale. i need to imprint that in my brain. i hope you are hanging in there.....thanks!
by KR1814
6.
a decade ago
Just want you to know I'm thinking about you and will be checking back for part 2 of this and will have more to say then.
:love: you.
by JEWELRYLADEE
5.
a decade ago
Nikki: I don't mean to
:laugh5: but you sound like me at the counselor...just going on telling my story and being strong and then I am crying and I don't know why, but I do know why... I think it is just wonderful that you went and you sound emotionally stronger already sweetie! I am SO proud of you for going, for talking, for thinking, for realizing and for blogging. You are lovable and we LOVE you. Let us 
:love: you when you need it and even when you don't. I don't think anyone here is really nosy but so many folks have been through so many similar things or are now.. you know that I know exactly what you are talking about...I can't wait to hear the rest and I have a really great feeling about the whole thing babe! 
:kiss:
by MOM22SONZ
4.
a decade ago
i appreciate your honesty
:kiss:
by ITSJOAN
3.
a decade ago
(((HUG))) I hope that the counselor helping you make the connection to college will help you heal this time. I wish you husband could see how much his attitude is hurting you! Hang in there!
by PJENA
2.
a decade ago
hang in there hun, i know exactly how you feel. just think of all the things that you have said to me....they really have helped so much. its great you went to see someone, it will absolutely help. hang in there
by KR1814
1.
a decade ago
by BIGGRAMMA