I did not have internet connection yesterday. Talk about CK withdrawals! I called the company and got it fixed by the evening so I made a few blog comments but didn't finish my own blog story.
So here I am to finish explaining what I started the other day.
I left off with describing how I was crying in my counseling session as I realized that the reasons and feelings for my current struggles with food are very similar to the first time I struggled with bulimia in college.
The counselor hit it right on the head when she said that I'm probably usually pretty confident about myself, but when my husband treats me poorly, it plants thoughts of doubt in my head. Exactly! I mean, I know I am intelligent--I just graduated with my Master's degree. And I am a great mom to my kids; I am a loving person and a good friend to people. I could keep going about how I know my positive attributes, but my husband, who is supposed to love me and accept me more than anyone else in the world, treats me like I'm stupid or is condescending, and I begin to doubt myself. :nono3:

She asked if he yells at me. No, he never raises his voice to me, but he does speak in a harsh tone sometimes. I'll give you an example, although it may sound petty, I don't know.
The other night he spilled something and said in a harsh tone "Get me a towel." I don't like being ordered around. I would never say that to him. I don't even talk to the kids that way.
Okay, now that I've written that, I think it sounds petty. Don't know. But it hurt me. Maybe I'm sensitive or maybe it hurt because of past things that happened. (?)
The thing is, the next morning, my son said, "Mommy, go get me a cookie." Um, I don't think so. I am not going to have my son talking to me that way or learning to disrespect women.
So, it may seem like a small example, but look at the implications.
One problem we have is that we have no time alone together. NONE at all. So the counselor helped me brainstorm options to tackle that.
One thing I like about her is that she is solution oriented. She acknowledges feelings and points out how thoughts and feelings are interconnected. But we don't dwell on childhood issues (although she or I may point out how they are affecting the present). We explore an issue, how I feel about it, and then get right down to what I can do about it. I really like that. (Okay, that was part of my "just graduated with my counseling degree" observation. Is there an eye roll emoticon?)

Anyway, we also talked about how to deal with binges. When I am obsessing about food and wanting to eat when I'm not hungry, I am to walk away from the food, go do something (she said like dust or take the kids for a walk) and then figure out what thoughts are causing the feelings that are making me want to binge. Usually at those moments, I am experiencing anxiety, and it's very hard for me to stop and figure out the reason and all that.
Man, that is so much harder to do in practice. I have not tried very much yet. My eating is not good. But I'm kind of experimenting with myself. And the best thing is that I'm not condeming myself for my eating.
But my focus this week is on eating only when I'm hungry and practicing that strategy that my counselor recommended when I want to eat junk out of emotions.

Good news: On Friday morning I told my husband about my counseling session and pretty much exactly how it went. Including the part where I was crying and the connection to my eating disorder in college. I don't want him to feel like I'm blaming him for my problems with food. That is my choice to deal with things that way. And while he has responsibility for his behavior, I have contributed to the cycle by not standing up for myself and setting limits.
But I know him and I know he is probably taking this to heart. Well, at least he knows this is serious. I told him if things didn't change he was going to either end up with a wife who was not well (mentally/emotionally/physically) or he was going to lose his family. I guess that sounded pretty harsh. I guess I did lay it on him.
Well, he hugged me and told me we would start a rotating schedule of who puts our son to bed so we can start spending a couple evening a week together after the kids are in bed. We had discussed this before, but the purpose was for him to work on his cars.
When he got home from work, he suggested we rent a movie and cuddle up and watch it after the kids were asleep. (I put our older son to bed). It was so nice. I can't even tell you how long it has been since we have done that. (sad, but true--but at least it's starting to change).

We also briefly discussed using a code word so I can let him know if I feel like he's treating me badly or are feeling hurt by what he is saying. One reason I haven't wanted to say anything is because our 3 year old is very sensitive and when things get tense between us, our son will say "I not feeling good" or do something to distract us.
Well, we had watched Talladaga Nights and we joked around that our code word is going to be Shake N Bake.
Things have felt so much better between us all weekend. I feel close to him again. I'm also afraid too, because he has made attempts like this in the past, but when he is stressed he goes back to his old patterns of behavior.
But I need to remember my role in the cycle and use my code word to let him know when his behavior is hurting me. That is so hard for me, but for my own sake and the sake of my children, I have to be more assertive.