Well, I haven't blogged or done much of anything lately on CK since I got my computer back because I've been depressed.
I have gained more weight. I don't even want to say how much. But I have officially gained all of my sickness weight back. I am at my prepregnancy weight. I am so disappointed in myself.
I am supposed to finish BFL next Saturday and I have nothing to show for it. I have failed miserably.
Not that it was a total loss. I have learned a lot about myself and about fitness.
But "dieting" has only led me to binge and caused me to gain weight.
Feeling this way has been making want to purge after the binges. But I haven't and I won't. It just shows me how low I'm feeling right now and how I don't know what to do.

I need to have some success of some sort in this area.

So I was doing Winsor Pilates today. I just got the new set recently. It claims you can drop a dress size in 10 days if you eat clean (according to their plan, which isn't that much different from CK's) and do the workouts every day of those 10 days.
I'm not going to do that exactly, but it has given me the idea to try something to give me success.
I know I need a time line and a goal to work towards, like a deadline. And I like the short time period that this offers.
So I am thinking of eating clean for 10 days but include a treat each day so I don't feel deprived.
I want to continue BFL workouts but do the 20 min Pilates on cardio days, and do as much cardio as I can. By that, I just plan to incorporate a little more that what I'm doing now. This week is a little more quiet schedule wise, so I'm thinking of trying to take my boys for a walk (if the weather permits )

The thing with the food is that my slip ups and binges are so emotion based reactions. So this weekend I really paid attention to my emotions. I noticed that I wanted to eat so bad when I wasn't even hungry but was feeling anxiety (that's the big emotional trigger for me) or sadness. Anger is another biggie. So hard for me to express anger so I usually eat over it.
As I've been reading Thin Within, it talks alot about eating only when you are hungry and turning to God with your "heart hunger". That's exactly what I need to do.

I also need to read my health and fitness goals (that I posted here a while ago) each morning since it really helps me focus.

So for the next 10 days (end date June 20), I will:
1. Eat only when I'm hungry.
2. Drink 10 glasses of water each day.
3. Make healthy food and drink choices.
4. Have ONE treat per day.
5. When feeling "heart hunger", walk away from the food, do some kind of activity and figure out emotions. Do Not Eat Over Feelings. See #1.
6. Workouts as described above.
7. If I mess up, start again the very next moment. Don't wait until the next day and binge for the rest of the day. Every moment counts. (***This is a big one for me lately and probably the biggest reason for my recent gain!)

I'll get back to my regular blog format tomorrow. Tonight I just wanted to get my thoughts down.