NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Jun 15 2007 - Day 5 of 10 Personal Challenge
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
I have been wanting to write here all day. I have a bunch of things on my mind that I want to sort through here, but I didn't have time. Well, now my husband has pissed me off and I'm a little riled up about it. I'm not sure I can write and process things like I wanted to, but I'm going to try (and let go of his stupid behavior GRRR!!!)
What's ironic is that one of the things I wanted to write about was a conversation I had with him last night about my weight. We have actually been getting along very well lately and actually spending time together. It's been really nice and a much needed change.
Well, we were sitting on the couch talking last night and I was telling him how discouraged I was by my weight loss efforts. I am trying to only have one treat a day. Yesterday I had Cheetos with lunch and was going to call it good. Well, we went shopping at 2 stores yesterday BOTH of which were giving away free icecream!!! You have got to be kidding! 2 Stores! What the heck!
The first one was an icecream bar that the baby was eating and I finished it.
But the second place, at a high end children's store who had baby shoes on sale, had Andy's Frozen Custard for free. If you've never had frozen custard before, Oh MY, it's good. I coudn't pass that up.
Okay, I'm going into too much detail here. I'll try to get to the point.
My husband doesn't think I should try to lose weight. He thinks my body is at a comfortable level where it is supposed to be. (Bless him for that. I just love hiim for saying that and truly believing it.) He is happy with how I look. He thinks it's unnatural for me to try to get to a weight that I got to by being sick. I understand what he's saying, but I liked being that skinny.
I'm not trying to lose weight for him. I am so thankful that he accepts me as I am. We got engaged when I was 10 pounds heavier than I am now. Actually it may have been more. So I knew he was okay with where I am at.
He asked me why I want to lose weight if it's not for him or anyone else. I said I wanted to feel better about myself and that I would like myself better if I were thinner. Saying that out loud made me realize that there's something not quite right with my motivations right now and that could be why I am struggling so much.
Why can't I like myself as I am right now? Something to think about.
He got me thinking, though, that maybe I need to stop focusing so much on losing weight. I kind of had this thought of, Well, if my husband is fine with the way I am, maybe I shouldn't worry about it so much. But then I thought about how I eat emotionally when I'm not hungry. How I binge and eat past being full. And those behaviors are not healthy.
So maybe instead of focusing on the scale numbers and having the goal of losing weight, I need to focus on eliminating emotional eating and binging. Really, if I change that, I will lose weight naturally and won't have to worry about the numbers.
I've been playing around with this idea all day and at first it sounded really good to me and made a lot of sense. Then I started worrying. Because it seems like I am letting go of "dieting" this way. It seems like I am giving myself less structure. I am afraid of losing control. I am afraid of becoming 170 pounds if I'm not continually watching each calorie.
My Goodness, how did I get like this? Two years ago or so, before I got pregnant with my second child, I was the exact same weight I am now and I was very happy with that. I didn't worry about food. I ate when I was hungry and I always had icecream at night but I seemed to make mostly healthy choices and had smaller portions.
Now, I'm so stinkin' obsessed. I hate that I've become like this. I want to be free!!
Okay, so part of my new challenge and my road to freedom from obsession is to keep it simple.
Most of my original goals still apply:
1. Eat only when hungry.
2. No emotional eating.
I think those are the two most important things to focus on. I still need to drink my water. I will continue to exercise because I love that.
No weighing for a while.
Not sure about logging. I'm going to see about that.
The thing about CK is that sometimes I wonder if it contributes to my obsession. I don't hang out in forums too much. But I am involved in some challenges. And there are some blogs I enjoy reading. I have really enjoyed getting to know people here. I love the support and I love giving the support back. I just don't want to fuel my obsession. We'll see how it goes. I like blogging here and reading other blogs. I think that's one of my favorite parts.
Well, I did pretty good processing that and I don't feel as angry at hubby anymore. (lucky for him)
Oh, and I wanted to record my exercise for today: 35 min. Lower Body Workout (BFL) and 35 min. walk pushing the double stroller in the heat of the day! I think I burned quite a few calories there. Whew!
What's ironic is that one of the things I wanted to write about was a conversation I had with him last night about my weight. We have actually been getting along very well lately and actually spending time together. It's been really nice and a much needed change.
Well, we were sitting on the couch talking last night and I was telling him how discouraged I was by my weight loss efforts. I am trying to only have one treat a day. Yesterday I had Cheetos with lunch and was going to call it good. Well, we went shopping at 2 stores yesterday BOTH of which were giving away free icecream!!! You have got to be kidding! 2 Stores! What the heck!
The first one was an icecream bar that the baby was eating and I finished it.
But the second place, at a high end children's store who had baby shoes on sale, had Andy's Frozen Custard for free. If you've never had frozen custard before, Oh MY, it's good. I coudn't pass that up.
Okay, I'm going into too much detail here. I'll try to get to the point.
My husband doesn't think I should try to lose weight. He thinks my body is at a comfortable level where it is supposed to be. (Bless him for that. I just love hiim for saying that and truly believing it.) He is happy with how I look. He thinks it's unnatural for me to try to get to a weight that I got to by being sick. I understand what he's saying, but I liked being that skinny.
I'm not trying to lose weight for him. I am so thankful that he accepts me as I am. We got engaged when I was 10 pounds heavier than I am now. Actually it may have been more. So I knew he was okay with where I am at.
He asked me why I want to lose weight if it's not for him or anyone else. I said I wanted to feel better about myself and that I would like myself better if I were thinner. Saying that out loud made me realize that there's something not quite right with my motivations right now and that could be why I am struggling so much.
Why can't I like myself as I am right now? Something to think about.
He got me thinking, though, that maybe I need to stop focusing so much on losing weight. I kind of had this thought of, Well, if my husband is fine with the way I am, maybe I shouldn't worry about it so much. But then I thought about how I eat emotionally when I'm not hungry. How I binge and eat past being full. And those behaviors are not healthy.
So maybe instead of focusing on the scale numbers and having the goal of losing weight, I need to focus on eliminating emotional eating and binging. Really, if I change that, I will lose weight naturally and won't have to worry about the numbers.
I've been playing around with this idea all day and at first it sounded really good to me and made a lot of sense. Then I started worrying. Because it seems like I am letting go of "dieting" this way. It seems like I am giving myself less structure. I am afraid of losing control. I am afraid of becoming 170 pounds if I'm not continually watching each calorie.
My Goodness, how did I get like this? Two years ago or so, before I got pregnant with my second child, I was the exact same weight I am now and I was very happy with that. I didn't worry about food. I ate when I was hungry and I always had icecream at night but I seemed to make mostly healthy choices and had smaller portions.
Now, I'm so stinkin' obsessed. I hate that I've become like this. I want to be free!!
Okay, so part of my new challenge and my road to freedom from obsession is to keep it simple.
Most of my original goals still apply:
1. Eat only when hungry.
2. No emotional eating.
I think those are the two most important things to focus on. I still need to drink my water. I will continue to exercise because I love that.
No weighing for a while.
Not sure about logging. I'm going to see about that.
The thing about CK is that sometimes I wonder if it contributes to my obsession. I don't hang out in forums too much. But I am involved in some challenges. And there are some blogs I enjoy reading. I have really enjoyed getting to know people here. I love the support and I love giving the support back. I just don't want to fuel my obsession. We'll see how it goes. I like blogging here and reading other blogs. I think that's one of my favorite parts.
Well, I did pretty good processing that and I don't feel as angry at hubby anymore. (lucky for him)
Oh, and I wanted to record my exercise for today: 35 min. Lower Body Workout (BFL) and 35 min. walk pushing the double stroller in the heat of the day! I think I burned quite a few calories there. Whew!
3 comments so far.
3.
a decade ago
Yep - same here, too. That's EXACTLY how I feel. And, exactly what I struggle with. I try to just focus on healthy eating - eating enough, eating healthy foods, not binging. I try not to focus on calories. I try. LOL But, it's hard. I use CK for the journal and e-counselor to keep me focused on what my real goals are. I don't log at all. I still have issues, but I am getting better. You'll get there. Make up your mind that the weight you are now is just fine and as long as you keep your focus on being healthy, you won't gain. (you'll probably lose weight, but don't focus on that!) We can do it! Remember our motto - Don't obsess!
by PJENA
2.
a decade ago
omg are we the same person? lol. matt thinks i am crazy for wanting to lose like 10 pounds also. and i want to get away from "dieting" but im afraid to. AND, i sometimes think CK enables my obsessions, cause it causes me to think about food even more. i dunno, i feel like i cant win sometimes. maybe we both should just focus on BFL--which doenst stress the scale and just focuses on becoming stronger and a smarter eater. i dunno, just a thought. easier said than done. have a great sat and keep your head up!
by KR1814
1.
a decade ago
by UGA889