NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Thursday, Jul 5 2007 - Post holiday fat blues
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
I'm having another bad self-image day. I feel so fat and I just really hate myself for what I ate yesterday. I ate chips, my evil trigger food, even though I vowed not to.
All day today I've been having a battle with myself about my feelings about myself. I am so impatient to lose a little weight. My clothes feel tight. I hate how I feel. I beat myself up about it.
But then I try to get some perspective and forgive myself and focus on the accomplishments I've made. But I bounce back and forth. I think I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I just feel very emotional about it all. I think I really have some work to do in this area.
I'm just so scared I'm not going to lose any weight, that I'm going to continue the way I have been. My history shows exactly that. It's hard for me to believe otherwise.
Gosh, I'm crying as I write this.
I don't want to be so focused on this anymore. I want to enjoy my kids and my life and stop worrying about every bite I take and what I look like. I'm tired of hating myself. I want this to change.
Recap of my wieight history:
Lost weight after Collin was born, due to being so busy and stressed from being a new mom.
Felt really good about my body at 154. I let myself eat what I wanted, but only when I was hungry. I didn't have a problem with binging.
Lost weight after Carter was born (just a year ago) due to being very sick with Celiac disease and SOD disfunction. I could hardly eat, my stomach was upset all the time, I had "D" very often. I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I went from post-pregnancy 170? to 135 in a matter of months. I got so skinny that I looked unhealthy.
I had to buy new clothes because my old clothes were falling off me. I knew this wasn't healthy but we didn't know what was wrong. But I still enjoyed buying size 10 clothes and having a flat belly. For the first time in my life, my thighs didn't touch when I stood. I had no stomach roll at all! It was amazing. I had never been that thin in my life. Not even in high school.
In October I had surgery for the SOD and that's when they saw my poor blunted villi and figured out I had Celiac disease.
I began the gluten free diet around Thanksgiving and immediatly felt better. I could actually eat again. I had an appetite and didn't spend so much time in the bathroom.
But I had the emotional component of having to give up so many kinds of food that contain wheat and barely. I was very sad and mourned the loss. I ate other foods to compensate--like candy and chips. I ate candy a lot.
I started to gain that weight back. I started getting worried and my goal was to not gain anymore weight and to just maintain at 140 (when I started CK). Actually I started CK when I had the SOD surgery because I could only eat 20 grams of fat per day and I was only tracking fat grams for a while.
I started to notice my calories getting higher and higher. I joined the online portion to get support.
Meanwhile, we had my son tested for Celiac and he was positive. So in addition to his pickiness, we also had to take away wheat and barley products.
That has been hard.
I was also having problems in my marriage. And I think I turned to food for comfort in that area too.
But more than anything, it seemed like the more I tried to restrict myself and count the numbers, the more I would set myself up for a binge.
So here I am. At 154 again. But this time very unhappy with this weight.
Now I am trying to pay attention to hunger and my motivations to eat. My goal is to not eat emotionally. I love to exercise and through this process I have learned just how much I love to workout.
So as I said the other day, I think I need to forgive myself for what I've been through the past few months and for gaining the weight back.
My husband thinks my body has just gone back to what is normal for me. My body was starving for so long. I wasn't absorbing fat or nutrients. He thinks my body is just making up for all of that.
While that may account for some, I know that I have made some really poor eating habits. These patterns of binging have put the weight on.
My behavior needs to change and I believe that starts with dealing with my thoughts and emotions more directly.
But I feel like I have to get past this condemnation that I'm putting myself through. And I have to let go of the fear that I have that I will continue binging and gaining weight. I think I have to trust myself that I can listen to my hunger and my body and make healthy choices. No, the weight won't come off so quickly like it did last summer because I'm not starving myself. But it will come off eventually. I just have to trust that. And I don't want to get that thin. 145 would be fine with me.
If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. I am for myself writing to get my thoughts out as I seek to forgive myself and let go of the past.
All day today I've been having a battle with myself about my feelings about myself. I am so impatient to lose a little weight. My clothes feel tight. I hate how I feel. I beat myself up about it.
But then I try to get some perspective and forgive myself and focus on the accomplishments I've made. But I bounce back and forth. I think I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I just feel very emotional about it all. I think I really have some work to do in this area.
I'm just so scared I'm not going to lose any weight, that I'm going to continue the way I have been. My history shows exactly that. It's hard for me to believe otherwise.
Gosh, I'm crying as I write this.
I don't want to be so focused on this anymore. I want to enjoy my kids and my life and stop worrying about every bite I take and what I look like. I'm tired of hating myself. I want this to change.
Recap of my wieight history:
Lost weight after Collin was born, due to being so busy and stressed from being a new mom.
Felt really good about my body at 154. I let myself eat what I wanted, but only when I was hungry. I didn't have a problem with binging.
Lost weight after Carter was born (just a year ago) due to being very sick with Celiac disease and SOD disfunction. I could hardly eat, my stomach was upset all the time, I had "D" very often. I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I went from post-pregnancy 170? to 135 in a matter of months. I got so skinny that I looked unhealthy.
I had to buy new clothes because my old clothes were falling off me. I knew this wasn't healthy but we didn't know what was wrong. But I still enjoyed buying size 10 clothes and having a flat belly. For the first time in my life, my thighs didn't touch when I stood. I had no stomach roll at all! It was amazing. I had never been that thin in my life. Not even in high school.
In October I had surgery for the SOD and that's when they saw my poor blunted villi and figured out I had Celiac disease.
I began the gluten free diet around Thanksgiving and immediatly felt better. I could actually eat again. I had an appetite and didn't spend so much time in the bathroom.
But I had the emotional component of having to give up so many kinds of food that contain wheat and barely. I was very sad and mourned the loss. I ate other foods to compensate--like candy and chips. I ate candy a lot.
I started to gain that weight back. I started getting worried and my goal was to not gain anymore weight and to just maintain at 140 (when I started CK). Actually I started CK when I had the SOD surgery because I could only eat 20 grams of fat per day and I was only tracking fat grams for a while.
I started to notice my calories getting higher and higher. I joined the online portion to get support.
Meanwhile, we had my son tested for Celiac and he was positive. So in addition to his pickiness, we also had to take away wheat and barley products.
That has been hard.I was also having problems in my marriage. And I think I turned to food for comfort in that area too.
But more than anything, it seemed like the more I tried to restrict myself and count the numbers, the more I would set myself up for a binge.
So here I am. At 154 again. But this time very unhappy with this weight.
Now I am trying to pay attention to hunger and my motivations to eat. My goal is to not eat emotionally. I love to exercise and through this process I have learned just how much I love to workout.
So as I said the other day, I think I need to forgive myself for what I've been through the past few months and for gaining the weight back.
My husband thinks my body has just gone back to what is normal for me. My body was starving for so long. I wasn't absorbing fat or nutrients. He thinks my body is just making up for all of that.
While that may account for some, I know that I have made some really poor eating habits. These patterns of binging have put the weight on.
My behavior needs to change and I believe that starts with dealing with my thoughts and emotions more directly.
But I feel like I have to get past this condemnation that I'm putting myself through. And I have to let go of the fear that I have that I will continue binging and gaining weight. I think I have to trust myself that I can listen to my hunger and my body and make healthy choices. No, the weight won't come off so quickly like it did last summer because I'm not starving myself. But it will come off eventually. I just have to trust that. And I don't want to get that thin. 145 would be fine with me.
If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. I am for myself writing to get my thoughts out as I seek to forgive myself and let go of the past.
3 comments so far.
3.
a decade ago
(((HUG))) I'm sorry you're struggling. You do know what you have to do though - be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, trust yourself. We have learned that the more we see this as a struggle and the more we beat ourselves up and the more we focus on the slips - the more we binge and the more weight comes on. We can get through this. We will figure it out.
:love:
by PJENA
2.
a decade ago
Yes, Nikki - you nail it at the end here. You need to be kind to yourself, know that your body DOES have the ability to process actual hunger, and know that what you plan to achieve you can achieve. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Keep blogging it out here until something clicks.
:love: I do think bodies have some sort of natural weight where they are happiest (my body is happier 5-10 pounds higher than where my mind would be happy ... but then when I was at my lowest weight I was not "happy" either, so I dunno ...) but I also think a body can be re-trained after a while (after a couple of years, I think) to be another weight. I'd try to get at the root of why you're still turning to food ... could it be out of sympathy for your son's Celiac?
by SFARRANT
1.
a decade ago
I am sorry you are having a rough day Nikki. Remember feelings aren't facts. You might feel fat, but you aren't fat. You are doing a great job processing your feelings, and being honest with yourself and others. Do you have a playgroup that you regularly attend? I remember feeling very isolated at times when my kids were really young, for me, it is hard to eat appropriately when I am lonely. I am not saying that is the case for you, but I was wondering how much adult time you do get, it is really hard to find "you" time when "you" are the full time mommy of two young boys. My jeans are tight right now, and the only thing that is helping me is the fact that I don't have to wear them right now! I did try them on though today in an effort to be accountable. I am thinking of you.
:kiss:
by UGA889