Food Log
from yesterday:
B-oatmeal and a banana
S-apple
L-grilled sirloin and rice w/light butter
S-rice crackers
D-Blackberry chicken, roasted red potatoes, mixed veggies
S-yogurt, watermelon

Does it look like I'm eating too much food? They are healthy choices, but maybe it's just too much.
So far today:
B-protein pancakes w/light syrup
L-weight watchers frozen meal and a mango
S-watermelon
D-
S-

I'm trying to eat less today and I'm hungry. But I'm hoping my body will get used to it.

Breakdown
So I had a little (or maybe not so little) breakdown today.
It all started when I weighed myself this morning. I know, not a good idea. It was 155.8.
I freaked. I am still going up.
So the baby was crabby (he woke up in the middle of the night and he NEVER does that) so I thought I'd put him down for a nap before going to the gym. I put a video on for Collin and went to my room to cry. I called my mom and bawled my eyes out about my self-hatred, negative self-talk and all this good stuff.

The baby never went to sleep. He started crying while I was on the phone and cried for a while. So I got him up and told Collin we would go to the gym and then to the library. He said, "Libary sirst, Mommy." (Library first). No, if Carter gets crabby at the gym, I can't work out, but if we go to the library second, I don't care if he gets crabby there.

I got them all ready to go and in the car. The whole time, I'm hearing "I want libary sirst!" Then he started crying on the drive over there. I told him we would go to the gym and then go home, no library if he didn't stop whining.
Well, he started wailing and screaming. As I parked in the lot at the gym, I realized that he wasn't going to calm down and I couldn't take him to the child care like that. I told him if he didn't calm down, we would just have to go home. He said, fine he just wanted to go home.
Then I started crying!!!
Just sat in the parking lot with both of us crying. I really wanted to work out. I feel so out of control with my weight. I thought maybe working out would help me feel some kind of power over this. And this child is interfering with that plan!!
So we went to the healthfood store to get some gluten free food. When he calmed down, he said, "you can exercise at home, mommy." I was still upset and just wanted to strangle the child.
When we got back in the car, he said, "I'm still too crabby to go to the gym."
Okay, I had to chuckle at that.
I told him that was fine, but we're still not going to the library either.
I started crying again in the car, but this time I was quiet so he didn't know I was crying.

We went to a used exercise store to look at cardio equipment I can get for at home. Obviously I need it!!

So at this point my husband calls and notices I sound upset and I told him I was crying all morning. When we got home, (my hubby was there for lunch) I told him what happened and he thought I was making a big deal out of everything. He thought something was seriously wrong, like someone had died or something and I was crying that I gained a pound and couldn't exercise. He promised I'd get to workout later tonight. We might all go for a bike ride together. But that won't be much of a workout for me! Am I obsessed right now, or what?

The kids are napping now. I feel worn out from all that crying. But I feel like I needed to get it out of my system. And that not all the tears are gone yet.

As I was talking to my mom this morning, I know that I can change this negative cycle I'm in by changing my thoughts. But I'm afraid to do that. I am clinging to this self-condemnation, hoping that it will help me get it in gear. It's a way of having control.
I feel like if I am kinder to myself, if I trust God and trust myself, then I will lose control. Things may not work or go the way I want them to.
And that's what this is really about. Control.
Things are not going the way I want them to now. I feel more out of control than ever. But still I can't seem to let go.
But I'm trying to work through it. By writing here. By talking about it. By praying about it.
I also made an appointment with my counselor for next Thursday, but I wish I could get in sooner. I feel like I really need help now.
I feel like I'm at a turning point. I'm getting to the bottom and it feels lousy. But I feel like I'm pushing through and I'm about to hit something that will help me get this in perspective. Don't know what that is, of course. But I'm still searching. I'm not giving up.