I think I have figured a few things out since my breakdown the other day. And I want to write out my thoughts here and process it all a little more.
I may not be able to finish right now, because I hear the baby making noise and I'm not sure how long he'll play in his crib before I have to get him. I may have to finish later.
Anyway, on Friday when I made an appt with my counselor, I also talked to her for a few minutes on the phone about what's going on.
She said my focus on weight is probably an indication that I'm actually having anxiety about something else and I'm putting all that anxiety on my weight instead. She asked how my marriage was. I said it's better and I don't think that's what's causing anxiety. I honestly didn't know at that moment what other issues could be it, so she gave me some ideas on how to possibly figure it out and reassured me that if I couldn't do it now, we'll just work on it together on Thursday. She also told me to figure out why I feel like I need to beat up on myself.

Well, after I got off the phone with her, I journaled like she suggested and wrote down the issues in my life to see if any of them caused me anxiety or pain when I thought about them. At first, it seemed like there just wasn't one thing that was the target.
But as I began thinking about it over the past 2 days, I've been piecing it all together.

So here's what I think is going on with me:
I got my Master's degree in May and I am so happy to be done with it. But I've been going to school since Collin was born. I think it helped give me an identity outside being a wife and mother. I felt intelligent and competent and like I was accomplishing something important when I was going to school.
Now I don't have that anymore and I feel like I've lost part of my identity.

Things are better in my marriage, but how long will that last? Will he get stressed out again and start being mean and snappy to me again? Plus, I still have hurt from how he treated me for the past year or so. It's hard to let go of that just because he's been nice to me for 2 weeks.

And then here's the biggest thing: I feel alot of guilt as a mother. Who doesn't, right? But I constantly question myself and my ability when it comes to being a mommy. With all that Collin's been through, I wonder if I have handled things correctly. With his problems with eating, maybe if I handled it differently it wouldn't be as severe. Did I feed him too much junk food? I should have been more consistent with exposing him to different food, offering fruits and veggies, even if he didn't eat them. (I got tired of throwing away so much food.) Am I too busy? I should be staying at home more and not running around so much. I should be doing little art projects with him and teaching him colors and numbers more.
The shoulds go on and on.

So I don't feel very competent as a wife and mother. And since those are my main, and pretty much only, roles now, I don't think I feel very valuable or worthwhile.
I don't usually struggle with low self-esteem. And I didn't realize that I was now.
But this focus and obsession to lose weight is so strong and out of control, that I knew there had to be more going on. I think I felt like if I could lose weight, then I would like myself more, perhaps show that I was competent in some areas.

In this book I'm reading called "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies", it too suggests that body hatred is never actually about your own body, but about other issues that you feel anxious about. It's just that we feel we have control over our weight and food. We feel like we can at least change our body if we can't change our partner or boss or whatever.
By the way, this book has some good points so far, but the women's lib agenda is getting on my nerves. They say we women are so focused on our bodies because of our role in society and oppression from men and so on. (eye roll) But I'm doing the "take what you can use, and leave the rest" with this book and I do think it has some good points to offer.

The interesting thing is that since I have been having these realizations this weekend, I have been gentler with myself and not using as much negative self talk. The down side is that I'm eating more and I have even eaten my trigger foods. My fear has been that if I don't "beat myself up" then I will allow myself to pig out and gain weight.
Well, my hope and belief is that as I deal with the issues at the heart of this whole thing, then as I am kinder to myself, I won't have to nurture myself with food. And I can say positive self-talk that says, I care about myself and my body, so I choose to eat healthy.
Don't know, but I will keep searching.
Okay, I'd better get the baby now.