food report
B-protein pancakes
L-healthy choice enchilada dinner; fritos
S-watermelon
D-2 chicken fajitas (corn tortillas, cheese, beans and marinated chicken) glazed carrots
S-CHIPSS!!!!

Feeling awful about the Fritos. My dad is here and we were discussing a tense situation. I just kept eating while we were discussing it. Stress eating, for sure.
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Okay, I have done a lot of thinking and talking to other people about my food problems today.
My sister reminded me of something interesting.
My 3 trigger foods are chips, cereal and candy. And I have to be careful with icecream. Well, I have conquered cereal and candy. My last fight is with these stupid chips.
I felt a little better when she put it like that.

I talked to C on the phone and we discussed abstinance from trigger foods. She made some excellent points that really hit me. But scared me too.
I ate the chips a little later and wanted to throw up sooo bad. I was closer to purging than I think I have been since 1994.
2 things stopped me: my dad was in the living room and I was afraid of him hearing (although I was thinking of sneaky ways to cover up the sound ) and the second was when I thought about how I would feel the next time I prayed. Maybe no one but me would know--but God would and I knew I couldn't do it. I knew it was wrong.
I immediately called my sister and said, help-I need to talk. And she really helped me through it.

So something is very clear to me now. We must get chips out of our house. When it is driving me to purge, they have to go. My health and sanity are at risk. It really scared me how close I was to purging.

My husband has not been supportive of getting rid of chips from the house, as I've tried that before, but when I tell him about this, I think he'll understand. He has told me numerous times that if I make myself sick, he's "gonna kick my ass." So I know he is worried about that.
I just feel bad that we have to do this. But as my sister said, it's not healthy for anyone. I'll get crackers to go with their lunches and snacks or something. Gluten free crackers are more expensive, but my health and sanity are worth it.

Another thing that bothered me today was when I talked to Ashli (who used to be a member here). She said she is so sad for me that I've struggled so much and it's hard to watch a friend go through such a difficult time. She said I inspired her to join CK and I seemed like I had it all together. (We just met in September.) I just wanted to be healthy and maintain. But she has seen me spiral downhill the past 6 months.
She's right. It's all true. But it hurts to hear. And I'm ashamed of myself for being so obsessed and out of control.
She said I just need to not worry about weight and food. Let it all go and just enjoy my kids.
I so wish I could do that. I wish it were that simple. Of course that is what I want. If I had a switch I could just turn off, I would. Even if it meant staying exactly the weight I'm at now, if it meant freedom from obsession and the ability to focus on enjoying my kids instead of worrying about this crap, I sure would do that.
But if nothing else, tonight (and really the past few months) have shown me that I truly do have an eating disorder. I am not like a normal person in my thinking with food and weight.
I feel like apologizing for that.
But I know I haven't given up yet. Here I am, still struggling, but not throwing in the towel. That has to be worth something.