I'm back from my trip to KC. We actually got back Sunday night, but I've been busy trying to recover. The house has been a disaster.
Anyway, it was fun but exhausting. I did not get a break from the kids at all. That was hard. Plus Carter is just wanting to run around everywhere, making things very challenging.
The hardest part of the weekend was trying to figure out what and where to eat gluten free.
We did okay, but Collin has the double issue of celiac and also sensory integration with textures and oral things. So there are only certain things he will eat. He lives on PBJ (on GF bread of course) and yogurt. Well, our bread is frozen, so we didn't have access to it. He will eat chips and junk food of course. But if I ordered him a hamburger with no bun, he wouldn't eat it. So I was stressed out about his eating. There were days where he only ate french fries, chips, crackers, and we usually got him to eat some yogurt for breakfast. I found a place that made gluten free pizza. It was really good and Collin did eat that (yea protein!), but it took 30 mins to drive there.

Anyway, I ate way too much.
But I think I'm making a little progress. I came to the realization that I think much of my eating is from guilt (and the anxiety that it produces). I was thinking about how I doubt myself as a mother and wife. And I remember my counselor asking me why I feel the need to beat up on myself (when it came to food and losing weight) and something just clicked. I think I do beat up on myself a lot.
I just don't think I am doing all that I can as a mom. I want to spend more time with them. I want to give them more attention. But I am trying to fit in my exercise, errands and housework. It's such a balancing act.
I feel horribly guilty about my house. It's not filthy or dirty, just full of clutter and it drives my husband crazy. It drives me crazy too. My computer desk has an array of old mail and papers that need to be gone through and filed. But when do I do that? Okay, I guess I should be doing it now, but I just don't want to after the kids go to bed, I get the kitchen cleaned up from dinner and spend a few minutes (and I mean few) with my husband.
Anyway, I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I know lots of moms experience this too. I just don't know what to do about it.
Maybe being aware of it is a good first step. But I just feel so lost right now when it comes to food. I thought about trying another plan, but I just don't want to set myself up for anymore failure right now.
I think that is what is really getting to me right now. I think of myself as a failure--with weight loss, as a mom, as a wife. I'm just so down on myself and I don't think things will begin to change until I change that thinking. But I'm not sure how right now.
Oh, and Carter has another ear infection. He will probably need tubes eventually. But I feel so guilty because I got off schedule with his antibiotics a couple weeks ago (with the last ear infection) and only gave him 8 days of doses instead of 10 and at least 2 of those days he only got one dose. GUILT, GUILT, GUILT!!! I feel so bad for him. I feel like such an awful mother.
No wonder I am searching for comfort in a bowl of icecream.
Okay, that's all for now.