I just don't know anymore. My eating is out of control. I have no desire to eat healthy. No desire or willpower to change the way I'm eating right now. Yet I hate that. I hate the way I'm eating and feeling. Yet I feel hopeless to do anything about it.
I don't want to try anymore. I am tired of failing. I know I've said this before but I am still struggling with it.
I feel hopeless. I don't know if I can change. I truly want to, but I am not sure I have it in me. It just doesn't seem to be there.
I have many moments where I just want to say "Screw It" and start purging again. But my kids are too important to me to put my health at risk like that. I know I should make the same connection with healthy eating, but again, that connection just doesn't seem to be there.
I stay away from foods with gluten because my health is too important to jeopardize by making myself sick and increasing my cancer risk.
But I can't seem to make that same connection with unhealthy foods. Sometimes I think, pretend this has gluten and that it will make you sick and don't eat it. But it doesn't work. My brain/heart knows better.
This is all emotional eating. Discouragement. Hopelessness. Feeling out of control in my life so it extends into my food.
I talked to my sister about some of this tonight. She is going through a bout of uncontrolled eating as well and has gained weight. But she says she'll hit a moment where she'll wake up and get it together and that I will too.
I don't know if I will because I don't think I've ever felt this way before. She pointed out that I went through a period of time (a long period of time) where I didn't worry about what I ate but I didn't overeat and I did fine.
She said this recent period of depriving and binging over and over have messed with me and I just need to stop worrying about it.
I wish it were that simple. But she has a point.
Everytime I write in my blog lately, I've been coming to the same conclusion. Don't worry about losing right now. Just focus on stopping emotional eating. But I haven't done that yet.
Things have been stressful. But things will always be stressful and I can't just wait until things slow down to stop eating over issues.
Right now the thing that is bothering me is finances. We decided that we had to do something to bring in some income. Chris didn't want me to work weekends or evenings and we didn't think it was a good idea to babysit. So I decided to sell lia sophia jewelry. I researched it, prayed about it and felt good about this decision.
I worked hard to prepare for my starter show. Invited tons and tons of people to only have 3 people show up and $33 in sales. I have several people who said they will host shows for me, but I'm really worried and I feel so out of control.
I don't know if this is really going to help our finances. I don't know if this is the answer or the best way to handle things.
I know I need to surrender both the finances and the food to God, but everytime I try, I still worry anyway or eat anyway. I guess I just don't know how to surrender these things right now. But it would be really nice not to have to deal with this all alone.