I'm making my food plan here today. I might log it all later. We'll see.
B-egg beaters in tortillas
s-banana
l-salad with grilled chicken (I think I'm going to Culver's)
possible get a scoop of custard while I'm there.
s-protein bar
d-corn dogs, veggies
s-jello w/coolwhip

I had a good moment yesterday where I worked through my compulsion. Unfortunately I worked it out after I had already binged. But I remember when I was recovering from bulimia that I did the same thing at first. I would binge (sometimes purge) then examine my behavior and what was underneath. Eventually I learned to stop and figure it out before I did the compulsive behavior.
So step by step.
I was feeling very overwhelmed by everything I had to do. I knew I couldn't get it all done. I had a frenzy where I ate a bunch of marshmallows and dry cereal.
Then I talked myself through what was going on. Why was I freaking out about this? What happens if I can't get everything done? Then I feel like a failure, like a poor mom/wife, like I'm not caring for my family the way I should. Is that true? No. I am a good mom/wife. I do the best I can and that's what counts. I can't get everything done today, but I can get a lot done, then give my kids love and attention and try to get more done tomorrow.
Once I had walked myself through all of that, my compulsive urges disappeared and I felt much better the rest of the day.
So I need to keep doing that--hopefully before I eat.

Today I am feeling very fat and guilty about the way I've been eating. That started when I was talking to my husband last night about all of this. I told him about how lately I've been feeling like a failure and just giving up and eating whatever I wanted because I just didn't feel like I could be successful. He didn't understand and made a comment that felt critical and judgemental to me. He didn't want to hurt me, but he did and I was mad at him. He said that kind of thinking is like an alcoholic saying he'll just drink his breakfast because he can't find success with quitting drinking. And then he told me that I know what to do, I just need to do it. And I need to stop eating candy.

He's trying to be supportive, I know. But I already know I need to stop eating candy and junk. Him saying that doesn't help. And I just felt more self-condemnation with his comment about my feelings of failure.
I'm wondering if I should even talk to him about this anymore. It's hard for someone without an addiction to understand what it's like. He is all logic and addictions are not black and white. You can have all the head knowledge in the world and not be able to apply it because of emotional issues. And I don't know if he'll ever get that.
I just really wanted his support as I work through this process of recovery. I prayed about it this morning so we'll see if I feel comfortable talking about it with him more.