Okay, I totally messed up tonight.
I was ready to make dinner around 6:00 tonight or so. And I realized that you have to marinate the chicken for an hour. Well, I didn't have an hour. I had hungry kids and husband. So I grabbed the gluten free pizza crusts in my freezer and made pizza.
I decided I would only have 2 pieces and I made vegetables to help fill me up. I did have a Sprite as I love having pop with my pizza. I ended up having 2 1/2 pieces. Still wouldn't have been too bad.
But I was feeling guilty about it and I got into the Halloween candy (yeah, like that made me feel better!). It was just an, Oh well, I might as well, type of thing.
Okay, here's what I learned. It was totally not worth it. I knew that before in my head, but now that I have experienced it once again, remembered the pain of eating junk and overeating, I feel like I can let go of my pity party attitude now. I really don't want to live like this. This is why I'm here. To make these changes.
Yesterday I was looking back over my blog entries here over the past year and so and was observing my progress, set backs, and mental hang ups. I have messed up alot, learned alot, and really fallen on my face this past year or so. I felt like I was in a loop; a cycle of destruction for a while with no way out. I felt hopeless about food and my weight.
I feel different now. I have fought my way through it. I'm not done fighting yet. I have lots more to go. But I feel more cemented in my committment this time. Yes, I messed up tonight and I'll mess up again. But I think I'm slowly letting go of the all or nothing thinking that was contributing to my destructive behavior. I feel like I'm done with that now. And for the moment, I feel like I am so done with junk food.
I wanted it so bad yesterday and today. And then when I finally had some, it was not fulfilling at all.
And I knew this in my head, but I guess I just had to prove it to myself once again.

I remember many years ago when I was first recovering from bulimia. I was so determined to get better, to get myself together. I was not going to stay miserable and destroy myself. And I was willing to do whatever it took to get there. And I did. And it felt good. I was very proud of myself. I came to find peace and self-acceptance.
I have been looking for that determination again during my hopelessness of the past few months. I would remember that fighter that was in me so many years ago and wonder where she was.
Well, Ladies, I think she's back. The Super-Nikki is here again to beat the eating disorder once again!