I have been fantatsies about food all day. It's awful. I went to the healthfood store to get some gluten free food and next store is Richardson's Candy House (Ashli, you know what this means). And they have a sign in the window--buy a pound of fudge, get a 1/2 pound free. Oh, I love fudge. One on my favorite, rare indulgences. I was so tempted to go in and get some. My mind had already started rationalizing why it would be okay. (No idea what I was telling myself as how can you rationalize a pound and a half of fudge). I walked by and didn't buy any.
But I've been thinking about cookies I want to bake and all kinds of junk.
What is going on with me? Why am I thinking about all this food?
And I don't feel like working out today. I have felt like this all week and I don't know what is up with that as I usually love to exercise. I wonder if I'm just wanting to nurture myself or something. I have no idea.
I have had slips with my food the last 2 days. On Tuesday, I had some fudge and peanut clusters at a jewelry show (see, there's that fudge again). Yesterday, I tried so hard to make healthy choices. We planned to drive through somewhere as we had a busy night. I went to Wendy's so I could get a salad and my husband went to Taco Bell (He hates Wendy's). After my salad, I ate half of my son's chips, a few bites of my husband's nachos. And then I ate the last piece of pumpkin pie that had been tempting me. I was upset with myself. I worked hard to make a good choice and then I messed it up. Could have been worse. I was within maintainance calories. But still.

And so here I am today, ready to just chuck it all out the window again and give up on healthy eating. I'm not. It's too important to me to stick to my plan and when I was talking myself back out of the fudge today, I reminded myself of how awful I'd feel if I ate off plan. The self-hatred and condemnation is so not worth anything I put in my mouth.

I do have 2 things going on that I'm worried about. Collin is going through something--don't know what. He was not cooperative at preschool yesterday and that is so not like him. He refused to do his art project, told them no when they told him to go to the bathroom, and cried for me and my husband. That is so not like him. He has been crabby with me today too. And he keeps peeing in his pants. He usually does fine with that and struggles with the other. (He hasn't made it to the potty for that either).

I did take them to get their pictures taken for a Christmas card today. And they both looked so cute and handsome in the little outfits I dressed them in. They were so adorable that I felt so blessed to be mommy to these 2 boys. My friend is a professional photographer that works from her home so she does this for free for me and I just send the picts to Walmart to get printed out. So I don't know how they turned out yet, but I think we got some cute stuff.

Okay, the other thing I'm worried about is that I need to talk to my husband. Things are somewhat good between us. We are getting along-friendly, joking around and all that. But I have no desire to kiss him or any . I know I am harboring resentment because of what happened last weekend. Even though I stood up for myself and set limits on him, we never discussed it and I haven't forgiven him for it yet. When I told my sister this, she encouraged me to talk to him about it. I don't want to !! This is the wimpy part of my again. I know that when I explain how I feel, he might twist everything I say all around and then I get confused and more upset. I have been praying for help in forgiving him and I was hoping i could just forgive him quietly on my own and just move on. Maybe not. So, girls, a confrontation is in the future and I just don't want to go there.
:sigh: Some connection to the food issues here??? Probably.