I messed up last night and again tonight!
The good thing is I am identifying what's triggering me to eat and that's an important first step. I remember when I was recoverying from bulimia a million years ago, that's that was one of the first things that helped me recover. After a binge, I would grab my notebook and write about the trigger. Soon I was able to identify the trigger before I ate and made the choice not to eat. I need to get there again so here I am to figure it out.
Last night I had the desire to do some holiday baking this weekend. There is supposed to be an icestorm coming and I thought it would a great opportunity to do some baking with the kids (plus Cynthia's pictures of her goodies inspired me.) Now this is going to sound so silly when I write it, but I was having anxiety about this decision. I had made my goals with PNP and am in the December accountability challenge. Holiday baking does not fit in with these goals and such. I ate Cap'n Crunch cereal from this anxiety. Then I called Ashli (:wave1 to talk about this. She gave me the balanced perspective I was looking for. About the holidays not being the prime time to "lose weight" but a good time to maintain and not gain. And she suggested I bake but only have a predetermined amount of cookies. I felt much better after talking to her and making a plan.
But then I didn't feel like eating dinner b/c of the cereal binge. My husband came home with our favorite chips (which are usually banned from the house, but I told him he could get snack foods for the storm). So I had some of those and then icecream. It was like I got on a roll and just kept going.

I planned to have a better day today and did pretty well until tonight. I went to MealMakers this week and made the whole 12 meals in advance thing. I was looking forward to tonight's dinner-Monterey Chicken Spaghetti. It sounded, looked and smelled good. But it wasn't. I was disappointed. And I knew my husband would be (he's not crazy about when I do mealmakers) and so I felt bad about this, questioned my decision and wondered how the other 10 meals are going to be like. Did I waste my money? I made a beef stir fry from there last night and it didn't turn out that great, but it was my fault some of the sauce leaked out.
I'm kind of rambling, I know. But I think I ate tonight out of disappointment in my meal, worry about what hubby would think and so on. My husband didn't like it as I knew he wouldn't and he pulled out Doritos (he got 3 bags of different chips.) I joined in later and had some.
Oh, and my husband has been crabby and snapping at me tonight. That doesn't help and I just didn't know what to say to stand up for myself tonight. So I'm sure that contributed to the dorito slip.

Alright, I am faced with a house full of my binge foods: sugar cereals and chips (and icecream too, but that's been there for awhile and I can resist it). I can do fine if I don't see these foods. I have problems when other people are eating them. I want to join in. Afterwards I feel lousy about myself and the self-condemnation starts. So I need a plan to deal with this. I do not want to eat this food. I don't feel good about myself when I eat it. It does nothing for me. So I need to focus on that. And once it's gone, it's not coming into this house again! That was stupid of me to allow it.
So here I am still learning.