I have had an interesting insightful weekend.
I have not been able to update until now, but I have had a moment here and there to read blogs and comment. Just not write in my own blog. But I have to say to Sarah, I just loved your comment where you called my hubby Mr. Crabby-pants. That stuck in my head this weekend and made me laugh. I thought, maybe I'll refer to him as that when he's in a bad mood. Anyway, I did have a rough plan for how I was going to deal with the binge food, but then I went off the deep end and ate horribly. So I have just eaten junk all weekend.
That brings me to the first insight I had this weekend. I realized that I need to deal with my emotional eating the same way I dealt with bulimia in college. I need to grab my journal (or blog here) after a binge and write about why it happened. Soon I'll be able to stop before I eat and decide to deal with the feelings a different way. I know I wrote about this the other day, but I didn't really realize that my emotional eating is an eating disorder just like bulimia was. The only difference is that I'm not purging. All the other parts of the disorder are the same. I did not have this problem before being diagnosed with celiac disease. So that and some other factors triggered it. But regardless of why it started again, it's here and I need to deal with it.
Somehow, looking at it this way has helped. I mean, I overcame this before, I can do it again. The difference is, before I was so determined to get better and conquer bulimia. I refused to be miserable. I have some of that determination this time, but it's not as strong as it was then. But I can feel my determination growing in me. I feel like I'm getting stronger each day.

The other insight I had happened this morning. My husband truly has been Mr. Crabby-pants all weekend. He snapped at me a few times yesterday and was just grumpy (he was fine with the kids though). I was in a bad mood because of it. I let him bring me down AND I ate over it. We stopped at Braum's after going to the mall to see Santa, and my husband was crabby from the whole ordeal and Carter was crabby because he was tired (and he didn't like Santa-cried on his lap). Anyway, when we drove through, I got a burger (no bun), fries and a medium chocolate shake and I ate it all. Ugh! I felt awful afterwards and logged it or tried to and couldn't believe how many fat grams were in that meal. Pushed me over the edge and I ate off plan the rest of the weekend. I know I ate all that because I let my husband's mood affect me.

Okay, to the insight part. This morning started off the same way. My husband was crabby again and I was irritated with him because of it and because we didn't get to spend time together last night (again!). I was really down, but then I picked up my devotional book and read about having hope in the Lord. And I remember how many times God has answered my prayers in the past, how He has done amazing things in my life and in my husband. I realized that I was letting Chris' mood get me down in an attempt to control and manipulate the situation. I think, deep down, I was hoping he would see how his mood affects me, feel bad and change. Well, that isn't going to happen. I can't change him, so I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to place my hope in God and let go of my husband's behavior. Now that doesn't mean I didn't set limits on him. I did. But I didn't let his behavior depress me. I did eat horribly because I was already on a downward spiral. That is something else I need to work on. But one thing (or maybe 2) at a time here.

Okay, that's enough deep thoughts for now. I'm off to make my meal plan and work on my storyboard for PNP (I'll have to explain that later.)