I'm doing a little better today. Thank you all so much for your supportive responses. I really have a great support system here and I appreciate it so much.
Today's food was only slightly better than yesterday. I had an appointment with the new counselor, FINALLY. I have been trying to get an appt since October and things have happened to cancel the appt (on my part, but mostly hers.) Anyway, it was pretty interesting. Her approach is pretty much the same as the counselor I was working with before and recently moved away. I really wanted that approach as it was working really well for me before. It's the cognitive/behavioral approach where you change your thoughts to change your feelings to change your behavior.
As I was telling her about my history and we talked about my compulsive eating, she asked me how many calories I probably consume in a binge. I have no idea really. She said a binge is defined as eating 1500-3000 calories at one time. I don't think I do that. A binge for me is 2 bowls of icecream (sometime followed by another couple of bites.) I think that's probably 500 cals. But later I will eat more junk, like some cookies or marshmallows. And later something else that is off my plan. I told her that and she said that's not a textbook definition of a binge. So I thought that was interesting.
But she asked me if I considered myself a food addict, an addict being anyone who has a pathological (unhealthy) relationship with an object/behavior. Definitely me with food.
I can't get another appt with her until February, which is frustrating, but probably fine since I'm gone most of January anyway. She said to make several appointments at once to assure openings. She said I could come either every week or every two weeks. I would love to go every week, but it's $40 per visit and while that's good that insurance picks up the rest, I just don't think I could afford $160 a month. So I'm going to go with every two weeks.
But what to do until then? I got a book yesterday from the library that deals with the exact kind of therapy techniques this counselor described. Hey, maybe I can be all better all on my own by Febuary when I go back, huh. Yeah, right. Anyway, it's a good place to start.

I posted on PNP last night too about how awful I was feeling and doing. I got some really good responses there too and I wanted to share with you what Corinne told me.
"Honey...you shouldn't hate yourself over some poor food choices. You need to think about food for what it is...FOOD. It doesn't have control over you anymore than the TV does. I want you to go out tomorrow and buy a butt load of protein bars, prepackaged almonds, and the like and put them in your purse. I don't care if your purse looks like a healthy candy dish, you have got to stop putting yourself in situations where you eat because you have nothing else. There's no reason for it in this day and age. We have too many good choices all around us that are packaged up nicely and ready to be toted.

Honestly, if you feel you need junky foods right now and just aren't strong enough for the say no thing, get you some 100 cal snack packs so that you have controlled moments of weakness. I'd much rather see a packet of those or some SBD 100 cal cookies show up then other things. Just look for the least offensive subs of your fav things that "get you in trouble". Not all of us are cut out to do clean 100% of the time. Eventually most people get there but baby steps is the key.

From now on I want you to find ways to work around these demons even if it means asking us. We're not so hardcore around here that when you just can't go 100% we have no mercy. LOL. Many of us started with our skinny cows (Ms. Mary), our little treats here and there (Ms. Dawn), etc. and look at them now. Moderators and learning new ways to look at food. AND, neither one did it overnight or the first month either. A lot of us took a long time before we were strong enough to turn that stuff down.

We all believe in you...now let's work on finding some successful ways to get you happy about the choices. "

Isn't that great? I really like that site and the people there. Great advice. I wonder if I have been trying to be too strict with myself. Corinne has a beef about 100 cal. snacks. She thinks you should not waste your food on that junk, so I think her reccommending that to me is telling. The thing is I have tried planning a treat each day and I got back into a bad icecream habit again. I don't know. I need to think about this more.
I found the first part of what she said especially interesting as my friend (and running partner) said to me last night that I give food too much power, by defining both good and bad. She said I need to put food in it's place. That's kind of what Corinne was saying in the beginning of her response too. But how do I put food in it's place and not let it have power over me. That is my question. So here is my quest.
Thanks for listening if you got this far.