My evil nemisis--caramel corn--entered my house today and it was invited here by me!
I was grocery shopping and Walmart had the little 8oz round container of Jay's caramel corn. I love those and haven't had it in a long time. So when we got home, I ended up eating the whole container (not all at once-over an hour or two period). I looked at the lid and realized I had eaten like almost 900 calories!!! I felt sick to my stomach as you can imagine and didn't feel hungry for dinner for a long time.
When I finally did feel hungry, did I eat the porkchops I made? No, I ate Doritos with my kids. What the heck! And I've done more damage today, too, but that is the worst of it. So mad at myself. This is more than just Ashli's Decemberitis. I doubt she's ever eaten this much junk in one day this month.

The thing is I must learn to move on, for heavens sakes. I've been doing alot of thinking about what is going on with me and food. I've been paying attention to my self-talk as reccommended by the counselor. My conclusion is this: I am scared to death to try again because I don't want to fail. I messed up a few times and now I'm convinced that I can't do it. It's too hard and I don't want to keep trying and disappointing myself. Perfectionism.
So, of course, eating and binging so horribly will be better?? I never claimed to be logical. The counselor said self-talk is often broken thinking or something like that.
When I think about the weight I have to lose, I get so discouraged. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can take the ups and downs. It's so painful for me. But I certainly don't want to continue the path I'm on and gain like crazy. I'll be 200 lbs before I know it!

So I was thinking about this tonight. Okay, "losing weight" is so scary to me and I don't feel capable of doing it, but when I think about "conquering emotional eating", I do feel like that is something I can do. I can visualize that, can see myself using strategies to help me overcome binges!! So it looks like I need to revise my goals and my focus. The scale has always freaked me out and just made me obsessed. But emotions and figuring out my thoughts and all that, I can deal with.
I still need to work on the perfectionism and the all or nothing thinking. That is a major downfall that needs to be addressed. But I think as I work on my other issues, those will be helped along. And I'm working on what I say to myself, what I can change about that error in thinking.

Forgive me if I've come to these conclusions before. I don't think I have, but sometimes I forget, go backwards, and have to rediscover some truths all over again.