Okay, it's 2am or thereabouts and I'm totally awake. My friend who is a massage therapist came over to give me a massage. He got here around 11, gave my sister a quick shoulder massage. He started my massage at midnight and finished around 1:20. It energized me as much as it relaxed me. He left a little while ago. He's really good and helped alot with my shoulder/neck problem areas. But my tendonitis in my bicep/shoulder is sore now. Anyway, it was a great massage and we talked and caught up on everything in the meantime. He is my oldest friend--I met him when I was 15 in high school and we've been close friends ever since.
Anyway, I'm making slow, small changes with my food. Just trying not to go overboard and stick with my plan as much as possible. But the biggest thing is I've been analyzing my thoughts and feelings about my food issues. I'm so frustrated because I truly am bigger than I have been in years. I feel awful about myself. Definitely gained over the holidays. All my jeans are tight, even my "fat" jeans and I just want to wear my elastic workout pants all the time. I hate this. But I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP MY FOOD. What is wrong with me?
Seriously. What is so wrong with me that I am clinging onto food like a two year old brat having a temper tantrum, saying "I want it, I want it." I'm doing this deep analysis about whether there is some deep dark emotional reason that I'm hanging onto food. And maybe there is. We know my marriage is stressful. Being a mommy of such young kids is stressful. I am so hard on myself in so many ways. But really, when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter why. It just needs to stop. I was hoping to figure out why in an attempt to help me change my behavior, but I was reading in a book tonight that "understanding is the booby prize." Understanding isn't really necessary to change.
I do think a big thing with me is that it's just plain hard to change. And I'm afraid. I have "failed" so many times that I'm afraid to try again. I really think that's what it comes down to with me. As painful as it is, it is easier to stay this way than to change. Change is hard.
But I also read in this book that there are 3 stages to learning. The first stage is where you mess up and realize it after the fact. You smack your forehead and say, "I totally messed up and didn't even think about what I was doing at the time." The second stage is where you think about your choice and are aware of what you're doing, but you say "screw it, i'm going it anyway." The third stage is when you make the choice for what you want to change. The author says all three stages are absolutely necessary and normal to change. In fact, you can't skip a stage. But you can get stuck in one. If you beat yourself up and say, "I can't do this. I keep messing up. I give up." Then you get stuck. But if you realize that this is normal process of learning, of changing behavior, then you can accept each stage and move forward. I think I've been getting stuck in stage 2 and really beating myself up over it.
Wow, I'm glad I decided to get on here and write about it. This really helped me figure things out.
By the way, this is an awesome book, probably one of the best "self-help" books I've read. It's called This Year I Will by M.J. Ryan. Hop on amazon.com and look at the description, but I am getting so much out this book.
Okay, I'd better go to bed now as I have 2 very young boys who will wake me up at 7:30 am no matter what.