Just warning you, this is probably going to be a long entry. I have lots to write out as I have much swirling around in this brain of mine. (Yeah, I know. When are my entries short?)
Well, it's about the appointment I had today with the new counselor. It was very good and very interesting. She is so behavioral-cognitive that it's almost funny. But I think it's very good, because her approach is solution-oriented.
I began by telling her how I obsess about food/weight and how I long to be free from the "chains" of all of this. So that is what we focused the session on. She asked me to describe approx how many minutes/hours a day I think about these issues. I have no idea, but I know it's alot. I told her that I think CK, logging calories, and the PNP community all contribute to my obsession. I described each of these to her. Yeah, she thinks these things are fueling my obsession. We started with PNP and I started crying when I told her about yesterday's blog by Corinne and how she said you have to exercise 60+ minutes 5 days a week in order to see results. I just can't do that. I don't want to do that. I'm so tired of worrying about whether or not I'm doing enough, doing it right, and all that. I love my exercise, but I don't want to keep pushing it more and more and stressing about this.
When she affirmed that I did not need to keep doing that and that PNP was possibly not healthy for me right now, I felt so relieved. I told her I was okay with giving that up.
So then comes CK. Don't panic. I described what it's like here and she said it sounds more positive and supportive. I rarely go into the forums anymore or do challenges. I just blog and read blogs and connect with other people. I think it's good and she agrees, but I spend too much time on here. Um, it was embarrassing when I went through how many times per day I get on CK. You all can probably relate to that. I think it's my escape and that's not always good.
So she suggested I begin limiting my time on here to 2 hours a day. Yes, limiting to 2 hours! Half hour in the morning (I don't usually have that much time in the a.m., I usually just check in really quick), half hour during the kids' nap and an hour at night. No jumping on throughout the day. I feel comfortable with that.
She added one more thing in. I described my blog format and how I report my food/exercise. She encouraged me to include positive self talk statements in my reports. "I can" statements she called them to help my brain get the message that I can do this. Okay, that sounds like a good plan.
So then we talked about logging. I usually log my food twice a day. Once in the afternoon and then again in the evening. So not too time consuming. The problem (as you can all relate to) is looking at it at the end of the day or middle of the day, freaking out about whatever I ate and then either restricting or overdoing it as a result. (restricting? Nope, it's the other way for me.) So she said if I keep logging, I need to tell myself positive statements over and over as I look at the whole picture. "I'm okay, I can do this, I can manage this." Keep saying it until my brain takes over automatically.
Because what it comes down to is I freak out, tell myself I'm helpless, hopeless and can't do this. And then that becomes true. And that's exactly what happens.
So all this is to get me to gradually reduce my focus on food/weight issues and obssess less. We were going to talk about what I should do when I start to think of it on my own, when I'm playing with my kids or whatever, but we ran out of time. I see her again in 2 weeks.

Okay, I feel good about this plan. But I'm freaked out. Just letting go of this a little is so scary. I feel like I try to control my food and weight through these things. But you know what, it doesn't work. I never have more control. Only the contrary.
I think I need to listen to myself more. Trust myself instead of listening to everything and everyone around me (mostly I'm referring to PNP).
Here's what I'd like to do, what feels right for me:
1. Plan my meals ahead of time. It takes the emotions out of it for me and really helps me.
2. Do my cardio the way I want to, the way I enjoy it. Not the way some "plan" says to.
3. I really don't like strength training. I dread it and often skip it. But I know it's necessary. So I want to get in 2 days a week. But not be so picky about what I do. If I want to do a video, fine. If I want to do a PNP workout, great. Just do it, but don't be so anal about it. And don't beat myself up for it if I don't do it. Life will go on.
Okay, this feels good and comfortable for me.

If you have made it through this marathon of an entry, bless you. I really needed to work through these issues here and will probably need to do so more. But for now, this has really helped and thank you for "listening".