I have not blogged the last couple of days because I've been hiding in shame. My eating has been so horrible the past few days. I've just been ashamed of myself, and while I wanted to write about it, I felt like I didn't want to take you, my friends, once again on this roller coaster ride of my food struggle.
My poor eating actually began Wednesday night, but it wasn't too bad. Just off plan. But after that counseling session on Thursday, it got really bad. I mean, I had a sundae for lunch that day. And it went downhill from there. I honestly don't remember much from Friday foodwise, but I know yesterday I just was disgusted with myself.
So I got up this morning trying to figure all this out. And I figured a few things out (that I probably have figured out before--I'm slow and it takes a few times for me to learn a lesson. ). When I eat "off plan" or something I will feel bad about later, I tend to eat more to prolong and procrastinate dealing with it. I don't want to then face the guilt, self-condemnation and all that will come afterwards. So I keep eating and eating to avoid facing it. Until I can't escape from it anymore and I have to face it. So I think that is what has been happening. Really sucky momentum, in other words.
So this morning, I decided, it happened, I'm okay, I can handle this. Don't run from it today. Just move on. And you know what? I did. I did much better today. Not perfect, but I didn't eat emotionally, stuff myself silly or really even eat anything I'm ashamed of.
So while I took a few steps back, I took a step forward today and that is what is important.
I haven't quite figured out why I freaked out after my session Thursday and binged and binged silly. But I'm imagining it has something to do with fear of letting go of the illusion of control that this obsession provides for me. I know that obsessing about this is providing no control whatsoever. It has the opposite effect. Only when I slow down, let go of it all, and focus on what's immediately in front of me do I actually have control.
So basically that is my food report.

Exercise Report
None today. But I did elliptical for 30 mins yesterday followed by a pretty awesome ab workout. It was funny because I almost never get to exercise on the weekends. And I put Carter down for a nap and Chris and Collin had gone to run some errands. I got on the computer for a few minutes when it hit me: wait a minute! I'm alone in a quiet house. I haven't exercised in 3 days. Get thy butt to the elliptical, girl! And it felt so good to sweat and work my butt off. I hadn't worked out since Tuesday so I really enjoyed it.

Daily Joy
Hmmm, nothing yet, but I plan to scrapbook when I finish here. I've been doing great on my scrapbooking! Actually another thing I did today was clean the kitchen floor. That doesn't sound very self-nurturing, but it was so sticky and dirty. And it is one less thing I have to do tomorrow so I can go walk with my stroller group.

Daily Gratitude
I realized this weekend how much my marriage has improved since I've returned from Chicago. I remember being so miserable on the weekends, even thinking of getting a weekend job just to get away from my crabby husband. He really has improved and is trying. I can tell he's trying not to snap at me (I actually snapped at him a couple of times ) and he's not complaining so much like he did before. I thank God for what he is doing in my husband, my marriage and me. And I thank you, my friends, as I have worked through these issues here in my blog and recieved some much needed support to assert myself in my marriage.

Other
Carter is really sick. He got a fever on Tuesday, I took him to the dr on Wed., he got a chest x-ray on Thurs (it was clear). His fever spiked on Friday and I had to start eardrops. I took him back to the dr on Sat and they prescribed antibiotics. Well, they said if he still has a fever on Mon night, I have to take him back in on Tues morning. Well, he seemed so much better today. He was playing like normal and he actually ate his dinner (he's hardly eating all week.) But when I went to give him a bath. He was very hot. I later took his temp and it was 101.7. Goodness, the poor child. And he is coughing horribly. The last time he was sick this long, it was a fever only and took about 4 days to break. But this time he has the cough, ear infection and nasal drainage in a addition to the fever. I'm a worried little mommy. We'll see how he is in the morning. Good night. I'm off to comment on blogs and then scrapbook.