I never did get to scrapbook last night. Again. My husband and I were, uh, . . . reconnecting. About darn time too.
So I'm exhausted right now and ready to go to bed (it's only 9:30). But I really want to update first as I really feel like we have had a breakthrough.
Basically, I made it very simple for him. I need 2 things from him: time and affection. Without those things I feel unloved, lonely, I get resentful and I shut down. I think reading about Cynthia's discussion of her love bank based on His Needs, Her Needs (if I have the right book) made me think about the Five Love Languages that I read a couple years ago. I've been thinking about exactly what I need and why I feel so unloved.
Well, that was exactly how he needed me to explain things. Directly and simply. But we argued about why those things haven't been happening and how we can make them happen. We brainstormed about how we can spend time together, but until he is willing to stop falling asleep with Collin, we are limited. We argued about that too.
So here's what we decided to change right now. On the nights I put Collin to bed, he is not coming upstairs with us (that was causing stress and fits). I am not going to fall asleep (I usually don't, but the past month or so I have because I was exhausted but mostly because there was no reason not to. If he is not going to spend time with me when i get downstairs and we are not being consistent with how we put him to bed, why should I try?).
But with that small change I feel we should have a little bit of time 2 weeknights. I told him I want 9:30 or so until he goes to bed to just talk, cuddle, whatever. Act like we're married! And I told him I absolutely want Saturday nights reserved as a date night where after I put Collin to bed, we watch a movie or whatever ( ).
During all of this, I finally realized my contribution to this cycle. I learned in my marriage and family counseling class last year that each marriage has a cycle that each partner contributes to continue the continuation of the status quo (if that makes sense). Even if one person is mostly at fault, the other partner is doing something to perpetuate the cycle and behavior.
I realized that I shut down when I feel unloved and I feel like I'm not going to get what I need. It's self-preservation and self-protection on my part. But I realized how much I was contributing to the problem. I make some attempt to get my needs known. My attempt may not have been direct or clear enough to get through to him or he cannot/does not respond the way I need. I am hurt, I shut down, stop trying, assume my needs won't get met, get angry, feel sorry for myself and do not make another attempt to communicate my needs again until something (usually PMS) gets me emotional enough to try again to get what I need.
Wow! That was quite an epiphany for me. Plus this is when I eat! I eat out of lonliness, hopelessness, self-pity, and to stuff the resentment too.
I actually observed myself doing this during our argument the other night. And I explained to him what I realized was going on inside me. I would tell him when I would start shutting down and we would talk through it.
He said this has always driven him crazy about me. That I would not tell him clearly that there was a problem and I would let it "fester" until it blew up. Not that this is all my fault. But I'm glad I'm seeing my pattern of behavior and how it has affected things and can now do something to change it.

One thing I need to do is keep reminding him of what I need. I have a huge fear of being a "nag". When I got married I never wanted to have to nag my husband. My mother never nagged either. So I've always been reluctant to repeat or remind him about things. But one counselor (the one who moved away ) told me that sometimes you have to be a broken record with men. It's not nagging if you are asserting your needs and you are wording it properly and not in an attacking way.

So this is food-related as I think this is a huge part of my compulsive eating. My goal with food right now is awareness. I want to be aware of what is going on with me emotionally and how it is making me want to eat. I was reading this morning in one of (my many) books about how you just need to stop the automatic reaction to eat by doing something else. It gave a list of suggestions and encouraged the reader to make their own list. So I did that this morning. I made a list of what to do if I want to reach for food but am not hungry. I'm also continuing with the One-Thing Plan ( Sarah) and I'm not having any chips, pretzels, cereal or other crunchy, salty foods. Although I have had just about everything else (well, not gluten).
Okay, I'm going to curl up with my romance novel and then go to bed. Night!