I didn't realize I haven't updated since Wednesday. I guess I've been busy. I'm really tired right now and want to go to bed, but I'm waiting for some laundry to get done so I can put it in the dryer. We are going to a hotel in Branson tomorrow that has an indoor waterpark. The kids are going to love it. So I'll be back sometime on Monday.
It's been a yucky day. I've been crabby and emotional and it's not pms. I hate when I can't blame it on that.
It just escalated and tonight I was so upset that I was actually having thoughts that scared me. I called my mom and talked to her about the things I'm upset about and I feel a little better now. I also wrote a few things in my journal that helped me get some perspective on a few things. (I was supposed to be packing. Oh, well.)
I am feeling lots of self-hatred. And that's a strong word but that is how I have felt. About my body and weight. About how I've been eating and how I've allowed myself to gain this much weight.
And I feel so much guilt as a mother. I feel like I mess up so much with my kids. This is what I was writing about in my journal. I feel like I don't spend enough time with them. I'm not always emotionally present when I am with them. My thoughts will be on other things. And then there is the ultimate source of guilt: Collin's eating problems.
So many things I should have done differently. And things I need to change now.
Can you tell that I'm a little hard on myself? I have perfectionism tendencies. Not as extreme as some, but enough to interfere with quality of life and allow it to interfere with success even.
I've always been a goal driven person and I thrive on feeling competent. I love to feel like I'm accomplishing something or that I'm good at what I do. I loved teaching and felt like I was good at it. I put alot of myself and my identity into it because I loved to feel competent and confident.
So it's not comfortable to feel less than competent as a mother. But my goodness, it's such a complicated role and job. There is so much to parenting that I don't know if you can ever really feel confident about it. So much second-guessing about the decisions you make and the influences on your child that are out of your control. It's enough to make your head spin.

I think there is some connection to that with my food and weight issues. I'm so tired of failing at this. I mess up and then just give up and binge. I'm so tired of feeling less than competent. In fact, I have felt helpless over these food issues. I have tried many different things, many different approaches (as you probably know) and have not been successful. I think because I get so discouraged, I give up for a while, then try something else and the same thing happens.
I don't know what the answer is. I just know that my food/weight issues are complicated. There are many emotional issues and thoughts/beliefs about myself that affect my eating. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either.
I think a first step in both areas of my life is to forgive myself for my mistakes and stop being so hard on myself. I think I punish myself when I mess up by eating more and furthering the cycle. And who doesn't make mistakes with parenting. We can all attest to the fact that our parents certainly did and for the most part (except a few) we all survived and turned out okay.
I'm always afraid that if I don't beat myself up, then I'll get lax and not make changes. But that's not who I am. I am the kind of person who always strives to improve and I think I can find a way to do that without yelling at myself or hating myself. Obviously that approach isn't working anyway.
I need to remember that being kind to myself doesn't mean a liscense to do whatever I want and that is what I'm afraid of. But just like forgiving someone doesn't mean you approve of their behavior, being accepting and forgiving of myself doesn't mean I will allow my behavior to get out of control.
Wow, I think that was a pretty important thing for me to realize.
Well, I'm exhausted and laundry or no laundry, I think I'm going to be anyway. Good night.