This really sucks. My kids both threw up in the middle of the night. Poor things. Collin had a 103 fever yesterday and with my stomach problems, I wondered if his would turn into stomach. Sure enough. Carter never did run a fever.
The part that sucks is that I had an appointment with my counselor today. I had to cancel the last one due to ice. I did not want to miss this one and really needed it. Yesterday when I realized Collin had a fever and wasn't going to school, I called a friend who has several small children in her home, and she said they've all been exposed to colds and flus and I could bring my kids over. It would only be a short while and it would be fine. I was so grateful. But when they both threw up, I knew I couldn't bring a stomach flu into her house. So I called and cancelled my appt.
The thing is, this weekend, before I got sick, I almost purged. I was so tempted and I haven't done that in almost 15 years. I was walking around my house talking myself into it and then out of it. Over and over again.
Finally I picked up the phone to call my mom. She wasn't home, but I got a call from someone else and soon my husband was home. I don't think I would have really done it. I was just having so much anxiety over the amount of food I had eaten. It felt like an enormous amount and I felt like I just couldn't let it sit in my stomach and turn to fat. But I did and here I am, I survived it. And am so glad I did not give in to temptation.
But obviously I really need some help. I need to be seeing this counselor and it looks like I can't get in to see her until the middle of the month.
Here's what I think triggered my panic. I weighed myself last week when I was at the Y. It was 167 after a hard workout with all clothes on and all. So I could probably count it as 165. But I was thinking that I was 167 when I got pregnant with Collin (my oldest). I wasn't really happy with my body back then ,but I didn't hate it like I do now and I wasn't obsessed like this.
So I thought, that's really not so bad. I can live with this. I was worried I'd be in the 170's . This means I'm probably maintaining since the last time I weighed a few months ago.
Then later in the week, I started thinking about how much weight I have gained over the past year. And what if I continue to gain like that? Then I will surpass this 167 or whatever and weigh more than I almost ever have. Can you see where this panicky line of thought is snowballing? So I freaked myself out. Thus, the anxiety that I absolutely cannot gain any more weight.

Well, when I calmed down and started thinking logically again, I remembered that I'm making slow small changes right now. And since I started doing that my pants have actually started fitting me a little better. Not a huge difference, but I can button them without almost passing out. I can breathe comfortably.
I am going to continue to be successful one small step at a time. So I'm not going to continue gaining because I'm not doing the all-or-nothing extreme approach that I did this past year. (That lead to binging and weight gain.)
So I need to calm myself down in moments like that and talk myself through it, think through it. When there is such an urgent, panicky thought, I have found that it's usually not based on truth but my misperception of things. If I slow down and talk through it, I can find the truth.
Ha, I don't need no stinkin' counselor. (Just kidding!)

When I did finally talk to my mom and tell her everything that happened, she gave me some perspective. She is a nurse and recently changed jobs from working in research to doing home health care. She told me she sees such suffering now, people with such difficult health problems. She said, "you don't want to cause those kinds of health problems for yourself." She's right. I really value my health too much to do anything to harm myself. I really appreciated the perspective shift.

It's just a number. It was just one meal. None of it defines me or confines me to move in a direction I don't want to go.