I can't believe it! I was actually able to renew my membership today! I am in total shock as it's been since December that I've not been able to renew. They must have finally fixed the bug. About time!
Let's see if I can finish my story.
My husband came downstairs while I was writing the other night so that was why I couldn't finish.
Anyway, I think I really got his attention with what I said. He left to run some errands after that and when he came back, he brought me flowers. (beautiful daisies!)
That gave me hope but I knew flowers weren't going to fix everything, but it showed me he was trying.
Well, he ended up getting sick along with the kids and stayed home Monday from work. (You probably know what babies men are when they get sick. )
We finally got to talk again Tuesday night. He told me what he was thinking about (that's rare!). He admitted that he thinks he is resentful of me that I get to stay home with the kids while he is working so hard (and now having to do more work). I was shocked that he actually admitted this to me and became aware of it. He said that was his problem that he would work on.
He said with him starting this side business, he is going to be busier than ever and he said we will have to have his mom watch the kids every few weekends so we can have some time together. ( awesome, but I will believe it when I see it happen. Not to be skeptical, but he has avoided any attempt on my part to make time together).

Oh, I forgot something very important. Tuesday afternoon I had an appt with my counselor. I told her all that was going on. She was awesome and applauded that I went ahead and went out on Saturday and noted how far I have come in my assertiveness.
Sigh--she also said it's time to address the alcohol problem. This really scared me as it made me face head on that there truly is a problem.
I mean, I know there is but I like to live in some denial that it's not that bad. So I cried a few tears in our session (and later too).
She advised me to make a list on my own of how exactly his drinking is affecting our family and our relationship. Because I explained all of his arguments and how I get overwhelmed and flustered in an argument with him. That's why she said I need to write it out ahead of time and memorize it so I don't get derailed.
I described how when I bring up his problem with alcohol, he brings up my problem with food. That always puts me on the defensive and makes me feel guilty that I have this problem. She said he is trying to derail me by getting the attention off of his problem and putting the spotlight on me. And it usually works. But she told me how to keep the focus on the real issue and be determined about it.

Well, I felt sad and overwhelmed all day. She had advised me not to do this right away but to do all the mental preparation ahead of time and approach him in a few days. She emphasized that the ultimate control of this is in his hands and that I can only influence, I can't change him.
I cried that I married someone with and alcohol problem. I did not realize it when I married him. I thought I was marrying a Christian. I knew he liked to have a drink here and there, but it was never like it is now. She said that is has been exasperated by stress and circumstances. And she kept reminding me that it's not my fault he has this problem.

So fast forward to my conversation with him that night. We had some things we were working out. And I thought I would just broach the subject and see where he stood. He was so defensive. I did not go into any of my reasons as I hadn't prepared them yet. He is just convinced that since he doesn't come home falling down drunk or go out all the time to bars, then it's not a problem. I just calmly said it still affects our family (after I had affirmed my appreciation that he doesn't do those things). We did argue a little about it and he firmly said he is going to have a drink if he wants to (basically, screw me).
Okay, that didn't go well. But one thing at a time. I had just hit him over the weekend with alot of stuff. I will continue to pray about this, prepare my argument and approach it later. And then it will be in his hands.

Over the weekend my sister suggested we take Wednesday to pray ferevently for Chris. So yesterday I did not make plans. I only took Collin to school and picked him up. I cleaned my house and prayed all day for my husband. The thing I prayed most for is a softening of his heart towards me and God. I saw a difference even when he called me at his lunch. He apologized for a few things he said the night before and we discussed some plans for the futures. I am seeing more gentleness than I saw before. I am going to keep praying, keep being assertive and doing my part.

So, girls, I am seeing improvements. He really does love me but I realized this weekend that I think he suffers from anxiety (maybe even panic attacks) and uses alcohol to deal with it. I never realized this before. But he is a worrier gets very nervous.

Okay, now I need to work on my food! But we'll leave that for another time.
You all have been so wonderful. I can't say enough how much your support means to me. It is invaluable. Thank you.