NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Apr 25 2008 - this is tough
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
Today I did my bootcamp class at the gym. I'm going to hurt tomorrow! Good news: she is going to continue the class through the summer. I'm so glad about that as I really love it! I also did about 25 mins on the elliptical. I haven't run all week. 
And I really need to spin again. I used to spin on Fridays but now my class in on that day. I started to spin on Wed. but things keep coming up. I may have to take an evening class to spin.
Good news: the preschool called and asked me to fill in for a teacher in another 3yr old room on Wednesday (see, no spin class again). Yeah, money and experience!
And Chris is starting to get business for his on-the-side pool service and repair business! He got one job last night and has several more people who want to talk to him. He named his business Surf City and the line underneath on the business card says "Stay Cool. Enjoy your pool." Isn't that cute? I'm proud of him for doing this.
Well, with his working extra, I can probably drag the kids to the Y for an evening spin class one night a week. (Impossible when he's home.)
I tell ya, this food thing is such a struggle for me. I've had so-so days.
I've been listening to this podcast called InsideOut Weight Loss and it's so interesting. I really like it. One of the exercises leads you to figure out what it is you are getting from not being at your healthy weight.
So my eating (and resistance to change) is all about comfort. Anxiety, sadness, anger, worry, fear (that's a big one) all result in reaching for food (lately cereal).
So armed with the knowlege (not that this is necessarily news to me--I've known this for a while) I tried to really look at what is going on when I want to reach for the junk and I'm not even hungry.
I was so full of anxiety when I did this. It was so hard. I knew why I was upset, why I wanted to reach for handfuls and handfuls of cereal, but it was so scary to face it head on without food in my hand.
Does this make sense? Anyone relate to this?
That was yesterday. Today was slightly better. I told myself I am strong enough to face anything that happens and I know that's true. I still found myself eating cereal at times, but not the handfuls shoveling into my face like in the past this week.
But MY GOSH! This is so hard! Why is this so freaking hard?!
Am I making it so hard?
Emotionally I know much of this is because of Chris' drinking. I feel so out of control because I am. I can't control him. I don't know what he is thinking. I really want to let it go, but I'm afraid to. I'm so worried about how this is affecting my children. That is what is worrying me this most.
I think I know what I need to do. I THINK I need to trust God. Trust Him to take care of my children, to work in my husband. But what if I need to be DOING something?
I can't push him anymore. He will only get more defensive. I need to leave it alone for the moment.
Counseling appointment is about 2 weeks away! I may need to call her if I feel this anxious over the weekend--then I'll call Monday.
Once again, for those who don't read this very often: he's not a terrible alcoholic. Doesn't come home drunk. Doesn't hang out at bars. Doesn't get falling down drunk or stupid.
He's a great dad. He just drinks almost every night--sometimes gets buzzed. And I just hate that he has to drink to deal with stress.
Okay, I didn't plan to go into all that. But I guess I needed to write about it. I'm off to relax.
And I really need to spin again. I used to spin on Fridays but now my class in on that day. I started to spin on Wed. but things keep coming up. I may have to take an evening class to spin.Good news: the preschool called and asked me to fill in for a teacher in another 3yr old room on Wednesday (see, no spin class again). Yeah, money and experience!
And Chris is starting to get business for his on-the-side pool service and repair business! He got one job last night and has several more people who want to talk to him. He named his business Surf City and the line underneath on the business card says "Stay Cool. Enjoy your pool." Isn't that cute? I'm proud of him for doing this.
Well, with his working extra, I can probably drag the kids to the Y for an evening spin class one night a week. (Impossible when he's home.)
I tell ya, this food thing is such a struggle for me. I've had so-so days.
I've been listening to this podcast called InsideOut Weight Loss and it's so interesting. I really like it. One of the exercises leads you to figure out what it is you are getting from not being at your healthy weight.
So my eating (and resistance to change) is all about comfort. Anxiety, sadness, anger, worry, fear (that's a big one) all result in reaching for food (lately cereal).
So armed with the knowlege (not that this is necessarily news to me--I've known this for a while) I tried to really look at what is going on when I want to reach for the junk and I'm not even hungry.
I was so full of anxiety when I did this. It was so hard. I knew why I was upset, why I wanted to reach for handfuls and handfuls of cereal, but it was so scary to face it head on without food in my hand.
Does this make sense? Anyone relate to this?
That was yesterday. Today was slightly better. I told myself I am strong enough to face anything that happens and I know that's true. I still found myself eating cereal at times, but not the handfuls shoveling into my face like in the past this week.
But MY GOSH! This is so hard! Why is this so freaking hard?!
Am I making it so hard?
Emotionally I know much of this is because of Chris' drinking. I feel so out of control because I am. I can't control him. I don't know what he is thinking. I really want to let it go, but I'm afraid to. I'm so worried about how this is affecting my children. That is what is worrying me this most.
I think I know what I need to do. I THINK I need to trust God. Trust Him to take care of my children, to work in my husband. But what if I need to be DOING something?
I can't push him anymore. He will only get more defensive. I need to leave it alone for the moment.
Counseling appointment is about 2 weeks away! I may need to call her if I feel this anxious over the weekend--then I'll call Monday.
Once again, for those who don't read this very often: he's not a terrible alcoholic. Doesn't come home drunk. Doesn't hang out at bars. Doesn't get falling down drunk or stupid.
He's a great dad. He just drinks almost every night--sometimes gets buzzed. And I just hate that he has to drink to deal with stress.
Okay, I didn't plan to go into all that. But I guess I needed to write about it. I'm off to relax.
5 comments so far.
5.
a decade ago
As Dr. Phil always says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. And he's not acknowledging the fact that he is an alcoholic. Anyone who drinks every night and gets buzzed sometimes is an alcoholic. And you can't control it. You can only control yourself and what your kids see and understand. You might also want to read The Thin Commandments and Thin Tastes Better by Dr. Stephen P. Gullo. He says a lot about what food will and won't do for you.
by HOCKEYFAN7
4.
a decade ago
I had to get cereal out of my house, too (Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins, specifically) ... I don't know why not eating is so freaking hard, but the fact is, IT IS. But we are strong women and WILL get this under control.
:kiss:
by SFARRANT
3.
a decade ago
oh, and yes, I probably could have kept the elliptical for those times when I couldn't get out of the house -- but I am lucky enough to have both grandmas within 1/2 a mile now
:laugh5: plus my husband is really good about it. My sacrifice is going at 5AM most days so that it doesn't disrupt anyone's schedule but mine!
by NMA5632
2.
a decade ago
Maybe Chris will start to feel better about himself if the side business takes off and that will be positive for both of you. You are a good Mom so chances are his drinking is not really affecting the kids -- both of my parents drank (heavily) when I was young, and it didn't really impact me too much until my teenage years -- other than that I just thought they acted wierd sometimes. The only time it really bothered me was when they fought and it sounds like you guys have that part under control -- don't settle, Nikki. You deserve more. Keep trying to make it better. As for the cereal incident...I eat unconsciously like that when I am really angry....just reaching for a bunch of food I know I don't need or want, so you are not alone.
by NMA5632
1.
a decade ago
Yes, I relate to it. It's so frustrating when we understand exactly why we're doing what we're doing, we are aware we won't be happy with our decision to eat x,y, and z in a few minutes and, yet, we munch on... yes, I really relate to that.
by LAURAGLAURA