Goodness, isn't it nice that I recently paid $55 to renew here and I'm hardly using it. I think about you all and I want to get on and blog and read blogs. But I've not been making the time for it like I used to. In some ways that's not a bad thing because you all know how CK can suck so much time from your day. So I am a little more productive these days and spending a little more quality time with my little ones. On the other hand, I need the support and social interaction that CK provides here.

You know what? I think I just realized the real reason I haven't been consistently blogging. I just haven't made much progress in my struggle with food. I have been so discouraged and have felt hopeless. That I think I felt ashamed to keep coming here with the same patterns over and over. I feel like you guys are sick of my constant failures and my cycles because I'm sick of it.
And then I blog so often about my difficulties with my husband. And as I've said many times, blogging here and getting feedback from people here has been a key instrument in helping me stand up for myself. But I feel like in this, too, you must be getting sick of the same negative patterns that I write about.
In reality it's me who is sick of it and is ashamed that I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I FEEL like that, but is that the reality? I haven't given up--on my weight/food struggle or on my marriage.
While I haven't made progress that you can measure or see, I have been still searching, still examining my own behavior and motivations, still reaching out for help.
One thing I know about myself is that I WILL NOT GIVE UP. This is too important to me and I care about myself too much not to eventually make peace with food. I am thinking of Winston Churchill's famous speech, "Never, ever, ever give up." And what's that other saying, "Fall down 6 times, get up 7."?

And I have been continuting my own soul searching in regards to food and other things. At the moment, I really seem to be into podcasts and I've been listening to like 3 or 4 of them. LOL. Many of them have to do with weight loss--positive uplifting podcasts about reaching your goals: Inside Out Weight loss, MorningCoach, My Thought Coach, to name a few.

Now here's the good news. I was so disgusted wtih myself this weekend, with my eating and my weight. I sat down last night and planned out every meal for the entire week! Snack, Breakfast, everything.
I feel so much better now. I can relax because it's all planned and I don't have to stress about what I'm going to eat and if it's going to be healthy or not. I stopped doing this because I was frustrated with myself that I wasn't following the plan. Perfectionistic, all or nothing, getting to me once again.
But I told myself that I don't have to follow it perfectly--just do the best I can and enjoy that it's all planned. And I did well today!

I have been feeling really down--on Monday I almost felt depressed and I haven't felt like that in a long time. So that's scary, but I think it was a combination of PMS with not being able to exercise. Exercise really does something so important for me. It seems like an important part of my sense of self (if that makes sense).
My toes are feeling so much better, not 100% but good enough to do a spin class, I decided. So I took the boys with me to the Y and did an evening spin class. I hadn't done an evening one before and it is an hour long while the day ones are 45 mins. I wasn't sure how I would do. And it was tough, but no tougher than the duathlon! I burned 640 calories. Woo Hoo!! That felt really good. I needed that workout.
I think that's all for the moment. I think now that I've identified why I've not been blogging, maybe I can work through that little block and get on here more often now. Even just for a quick check in here and there. Thanks as always, for all the support.