NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Thursday, Jun 12 2008 - Tears
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
This morning during my prayer time I just cried and cried. It's not even PMS time or anything. I'm just sick of this stupid struggle I have with food. I hate that my clothes don't fit. That bothers me the most. Even more than how I look, because I actually don't think I look too awful (although I may be in denial). I HATE that my clothes are so tight. It is so discouraging.
And I'm so scared to eat healthy. Because I don't want to let myself down. It's like I'd rather stay down in the pit than try to pull myself out only to fall back in over and over. I'd rather not get my hopes up and try.
This is the crux of the problem. And it's all a mental mind game.
I need faith and trust. Faith that I can do this, trust in myself that I can handle whatever happens. Even the disappointment of slip ups.
I do think self-talk is the key. If I keep telling myself I will fail, guess what's going to happen?
And I've been hearing lately, what you pust your focus on increases. Well, for about a year, I focused on my fear of gaining weight. And what happened? That came true. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Today I noticed a major trigger time of day. I suspected this but today I paid attention and confirmed it. I did fine with food all day until 4:00. It seems like 2:00-5:00 are the weak times for me.
It's good that I'm recognizing this so I can come up with a plan to deal with that. I think it's for a few reasons: Carter is down for a nap, so I "decompress" a little. I do speech homework with Collin and that can be stressful (as he is really struggling). It's getting near dinner time and usually timing dinner is a challenge based on Chris schedule with his side jobs.
So most binges usually occur at that time. Then I'm not hungry for dinner and I hate that. Like last night I did a major cereal binge, didn't want to eat dinner. I had corn on the cob at dinner. Before bed I had icecream. I was so mad that I wasn't hungry for the grilled chicken I made that smelled so good and I worry that I'm not getting the protein I need.
So this is where I am right now. Trying to figure it all out. It's the old "I know what to do, I just need to do it." But I really believe I have to make changes in my thinking before I can "get to it."
And I'm so scared to eat healthy. Because I don't want to let myself down. It's like I'd rather stay down in the pit than try to pull myself out only to fall back in over and over. I'd rather not get my hopes up and try.
This is the crux of the problem. And it's all a mental mind game.
I need faith and trust. Faith that I can do this, trust in myself that I can handle whatever happens. Even the disappointment of slip ups.
I do think self-talk is the key. If I keep telling myself I will fail, guess what's going to happen?
And I've been hearing lately, what you pust your focus on increases. Well, for about a year, I focused on my fear of gaining weight. And what happened? That came true. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Today I noticed a major trigger time of day. I suspected this but today I paid attention and confirmed it. I did fine with food all day until 4:00. It seems like 2:00-5:00 are the weak times for me.
It's good that I'm recognizing this so I can come up with a plan to deal with that. I think it's for a few reasons: Carter is down for a nap, so I "decompress" a little. I do speech homework with Collin and that can be stressful (as he is really struggling). It's getting near dinner time and usually timing dinner is a challenge based on Chris schedule with his side jobs.
So most binges usually occur at that time. Then I'm not hungry for dinner and I hate that. Like last night I did a major cereal binge, didn't want to eat dinner. I had corn on the cob at dinner. Before bed I had icecream. I was so mad that I wasn't hungry for the grilled chicken I made that smelled so good and I worry that I'm not getting the protein I need.
So this is where I am right now. Trying to figure it all out. It's the old "I know what to do, I just need to do it." But I really believe I have to make changes in my thinking before I can "get to it."
2 comments so far.
2.
a decade ago
I highly recommend Dr. Stephen P. Gullo's two books - The Thin Commandments and Thin Tastes Better. I was really impressed with both of them. I think you would enjoy them. I bought them from www.half.com so they were under $5 each with shipping.
by HOCKEYFAN7
1.
a decade ago
I totally understand how you feel Nikki. I do my most munching between 8-9PM right after the kids go to bed. I wish I understood the pyschology of it. As for the rest of it, of COURSE you can do it. It's just FOOD. It is NOT the boss of you.
:wink3:
by NMA5632