Good news and bad news.
Bad news first, right? Okay, I had to break down and buy size 14 shorts the other day. I was just so tired of only have like 2 pairs of shorts/pants that fit. Tired of having to unbutton the top button when I drive. Tired of not being able to breathe in my clothes. Not fitting into my clothes is really one of the things that I hate the most about gaining weight.
When I was super-skinny from being sick, I was a size 10 and towards the end, those were getting loose. Most of my life I've been a size 12. It was like a dream to be a size 10, but to fit comfortable in my 12s would be just fine.
So as depressing as it was to buy a bigger size, . . . . well, I was going to write something else. But that's pretty much it. It was depressing.

The good news: I feel like I've had a mental break through with this whole mental struggle I have with food/weight. All of you who know me probably know that my entire problem is in my head. I just don't believe in myself.
I get so overwhelmed by it all.
Listening to InsideOut Weight Loss has been really helpful because it deals exactly with changing your mind and your beliefs. And that's what I need help with.
Well, she was talking about the pressure we put on ourself to lose weight RIGHT NOW. How we want it so bad. But in wanting it so much, I put so much pressure on myself that's so overwhelming for me. My expectations get unrealistic and I beat myself up for failing.
I don't know if this is making any sense or is gong to make any sense.
But I feel like it's okay to want that size 10/12 body and then let go of that desperate urgency. To trust in the small steps I'm making. To celebrate the small successes.
Perhaps just being gentler with myself and letting go of the perfectionistic thinking that makes me give up when I don't live up to the standard I set for myself.

One technique I've learned from this program is the ReDo. At the end of the day, I choose one time during the day that I would like to have done differently. Only one. I then "redo" it in my mind. I picture what I would do differently, how I would feel, what I would need to make that better choice.
That has made a difference because even when I am in the moment, I have been thinking, if I were to redo this later, what would I picture? Can I make that happen now?

So it really is very small changes. But, for example, last night I didn't eat after 8:00. That was huge for me! Today I didn't snack on any cookies before lunch (while I gave one to my kids). Those little changes iwll add up and I think that's the way it has to be with me. Baby steps. Because as you've all observed over and over again, the all-out, gung-ho approach only burns me out and sucks me into a failure cycle.

Onto a few other things:
I went to the Y today to workout and I locked my keys in my car. I did this a few months ago and my husband had to come home to open the door for me. So I called him at work and he said, no, he would not bring me the keys! He said it would take his whole lunch hour to drive there and then drive back. He told me to call a locksmith (like we can afford that.)
I wanted to cry. Luckily I ran into a friend I used to work out with and she called AAA on her membership and had them open my car. My hero! I was so thankful for her.
I then ran 2 miles and did my strength workout. Ran off my anger with the jerk who wouldn't bring me the extra set of keys. Deep breath. Letting it go now.