NIKKI8's CalorieKing blog
Sunday, Jun 22 2008 - Gettin' bad again
View NIKKI8's food & exercise for this day
My husband and I are in a really bad place right now. I've been wanting to write about it, but it felt overwhelming and complicated when I wanted to try. Then last night he was on the computer until late and I fell asleep on the couch.
I know it's our cycle. We are in the downward part of it. The cycle that Ashli so wisely pointed out before where things get bad, I finally say something and stand up for myself, he gets better for a little while, like maybe a week. Things slowly go downhill until the next time I speak up.
I am pmsing in a bad way and so it's contributing to me getting fed up again.
The difference this time is that I am so filled with bitterness and that bitterness is spilling out from me in ways I don't like. He and I are snapping at each other in front of the kids. Not creating a good atmosphere. We are not even treating each other civily (sp?) right now. I don't know if it's been quite like this in the past.
I approached him yesterday morning about a couple of things while the kids were sleeping. I asked him about the keys incident and why he refused to bring me my keys.
He explained it and I felt a little better. He said they had 2 guys out already (one at lunch) and he wouldn't be able to leave for at least an hour. And he was really afraid of making any waves--he thought his boss was mad at him , but he wasn't. (Chris did something a little risky the weekend before when he was on call. We were 2 hours from home and he got a call and he sent it on to another worker there to take care of it since we were so far away. The other guy didn't mind, Chris was just worried he'd get in trouble for it).
He said if it wasn't for those factors, he would have brought me the keys. Okay, that's good. I thought he was just being a jerk.
In our conversation I told him how I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary next month because what's to celebrate? We are freakin' miserable.
You know what he said?! He didn't know there was a problem! He thinks things are fine. And then he got irritated with me for not communicating with him and bottling it all up inside (like always, he said) until I blow up.
Well, yes. As we see in the cycle, this is exactly what I do. And I can see why it drives him crazy. But can he take some responsibility for his jerky behavior without me having to constantly point it out?!!
Well, that conversation obviously didn't help any because we've been hostile to each other since.
But I do need to speak up more often about my feelings. It just seems like there is never a good time to talk about it. We don't really get any time alone--the kids are always there. I need a way to say something while the kids are there to somehow communicate to him without the kids sensing a tense atmosphere.
I've been thinking, I really wish we could go to marriage counseling. I'm going to ask him again, but I don't think he'll ever agree. But it's worth a try. I don't want to subject the kids to any more tension.
So if you will (or believe), say a prayer about that.
Good news, at least today--I did not eat over the situation.
In fact I had watermelon for dessert instead of icecream. Huge victory for me!
I know it's our cycle. We are in the downward part of it. The cycle that Ashli so wisely pointed out before where things get bad, I finally say something and stand up for myself, he gets better for a little while, like maybe a week. Things slowly go downhill until the next time I speak up.
I am pmsing in a bad way and so it's contributing to me getting fed up again.
The difference this time is that I am so filled with bitterness and that bitterness is spilling out from me in ways I don't like. He and I are snapping at each other in front of the kids. Not creating a good atmosphere. We are not even treating each other civily (sp?) right now. I don't know if it's been quite like this in the past.
I approached him yesterday morning about a couple of things while the kids were sleeping. I asked him about the keys incident and why he refused to bring me my keys.
He explained it and I felt a little better. He said they had 2 guys out already (one at lunch) and he wouldn't be able to leave for at least an hour. And he was really afraid of making any waves--he thought his boss was mad at him , but he wasn't. (Chris did something a little risky the weekend before when he was on call. We were 2 hours from home and he got a call and he sent it on to another worker there to take care of it since we were so far away. The other guy didn't mind, Chris was just worried he'd get in trouble for it).
He said if it wasn't for those factors, he would have brought me the keys. Okay, that's good. I thought he was just being a jerk.
In our conversation I told him how I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary next month because what's to celebrate? We are freakin' miserable.
You know what he said?! He didn't know there was a problem! He thinks things are fine. And then he got irritated with me for not communicating with him and bottling it all up inside (like always, he said) until I blow up.
Well, yes. As we see in the cycle, this is exactly what I do. And I can see why it drives him crazy. But can he take some responsibility for his jerky behavior without me having to constantly point it out?!!
Well, that conversation obviously didn't help any because we've been hostile to each other since.
But I do need to speak up more often about my feelings. It just seems like there is never a good time to talk about it. We don't really get any time alone--the kids are always there. I need a way to say something while the kids are there to somehow communicate to him without the kids sensing a tense atmosphere.
I've been thinking, I really wish we could go to marriage counseling. I'm going to ask him again, but I don't think he'll ever agree. But it's worth a try. I don't want to subject the kids to any more tension.
So if you will (or believe), say a prayer about that.
Good news, at least today--I did not eat over the situation.
In fact I had watermelon for dessert instead of icecream. Huge victory for me!
7 comments so far.
7.
a decade ago
Honey, he's a man. When it comes to spotting and understanding emotions, they are totally clueless. He will probably NEVER get it when you are have issues with him. I know my husband doesn't get it. Maybe you can come up with a code phrase you can use in front of the kids something like "the squirrel is at it again." He is probably never going to get that he's having a bad attitude unless you hit him with it. That's typical for a lot of men.
by HOCKEYFAN7
6.
a decade ago
And great job not eating....I would have binged.
by MAMA
5.
a decade ago
Men don't hear you, men don't get hints, you have to spell it out to them every every every time...that is just the way they are. Your kids will sense tension whether you hide it or not, they are very sensitive to those sorts of things. And I know it is hard in a relationship when you feel distant and angry, but sometimes saying I love you and I am sorry (whether you did anything wrong or not) can help any situation. I saw a show once where women rated their happiness in relationships 1-10 and then the men rated them. For the large part the men rated their relationships 8 to 10 while their wives rated them 2 to 5's. The men were clueless about that. Good luck and remember all you need is love. It is harder to seek forgiveness then to give it.
by MAMA
4.
a decade ago
Hugs Nikki! Hang in there!
:clap: for not eating your feelings! 
:love:
by MOM22SONZ
3.
a decade ago
Speaking from experience....
:)
The level of subtle hints my gender usually understands is just about the 2 by 4 upside the head. Seriously.
Men report and women rapport. It is a basic wiring system God in his infinite wisdom put together.
An example of Report vs Rapport:
Man 1: Hey dude! You got a new truck?
Man 2: Yep.
Man 1: where from?
Man 2: Dealership across town.
Man 1: Cool.
Women:
Woman1: OMG! You did it. You finally got a new car!
Woman2: Yes I did. I have spent a lot of time searching the web, ads, newspapers, walking the car lots, dealing with salesmen, and finally got the one I want!
Woman1: Where did you get it?
Woman2: Well after I did all the searching I went to this dealership across town, you know the one next to Kohl's department store? Anyway the salesman comes out and he's like all slick and slimy and trying to sell me something I did not want.
Woman1:Jerk
Woman2: So I told him I wanted the red convertible and here is what I was going to pay. He said he could'nt do that, so I started to leave..
Kinda goes like this for a while.
That is the difference.
Point is men have to WORK at communication on a woman's level. What helped me to communicate with my wife was going to marriage retreats through our church. It is disguised counseling for couples. In truth healthy couples attend these retreats to keep the marriage healty. (Kinda like eating right and exercise)
The key is to get the MAN (I fell into this category for a long time) to think it is a "weekend of sheet time" with a few session meetings involved.
Sorry so long - I am a "practiced" rambler now!
by DUSTDEVIL
2.
a decade ago
I don't know Nikki I think you talk to him a lot about what you're feeling. I'm not sure that it is fair to say that you bottle it up -- I think maybe the same things happen so often that you "store" up that way. Arguing in front of the kids is no good, and neither is feeling btter is no good either. I hope he agrees to counseling! And, one more thing. I think it is typical for men to think everything is fine -- they don't see how intertwined actions & feelings are....ever!
:kiss:
by NMA5632
1.
a decade ago
First off, great job on not eating emotionally. That is a great accomplishment. Second, I am sorry you are going through this. I think you are right, maybe you can find some kind of word or symbol that you can use in front of the kids when you feel like the situation is getting bad. Def try talking to him about the counseling. Tell him that it is also a good way for you both to have 1 full hour without the kids to hash things out weekly.
Thanks for your advice about Matt last night too. He came home and we worked things out. Hang in there =)
by KR1814