I am under 150#! I know I did a diet about 2 years ago and was briefly under 150, but it didn't even last long enough to get new clothes. This time (God willing), I am learning enough and TRUSTING enough that my skills have changed and I can face any life event with aplomb. There is no longer a need to use food as a crutch for my emotional highs and lows. At least, it sure feels different. If I keep practicing what I learn, what I continue to learn, reaching out for support when I need it, and praying in constructive ways, these changes should be permanent.

I do not want to live in fear anymore. Fear of birthdays or french fries. Fear of chocolate or funerals. Fear of business trips or business breakfast meetings. In my life, as soon as I weighed more than 115# (which is more than 20 years ago), I have lived in a state of gnawing anxiety about what my next opportunity for food would be. If I'm honest, and look at the full scope, some of this comes from hungry days during parts of my childhood. Times when I did not know if my next meal would feed me to satiety, or if there would be a next meal.

But in the past two weeks I've navigated a business trip which included dessert opportunities and new restaurant opportunities, PMS, and work anxiety. Yet still kept active and still lost weight.

(And yes, one can pray destructively. For me, that has been prayer which puts me at the center, makes my failures and weakness foremost, forgets to trust, insists on my own perfection or right-ness, or prays from a place of anger that persists in continuing the anger.)

Fitness thoughts

Working out at the hotel fitness center was a little bit of an eye-opener. The elliptical trainers were hard for me to use! Though my overall fitness has improved mightily since beginning CK near Jan. 1, my fitness doesn't translate to the things I used to do as a fit person. Not yet. Still, there are many benefits to me by the changes already made.

Hubby and I did a 90 minute walk together this week (in preparation for our June 1 walk). I was tired and sore after that walk, but we did it! I do not think I could have done that on January 1. Actually, I know I could not have done that.

My PMS this month lasted only hours, instead of a week or 10 days of feeling oogy, angry, anxious, and fat. That has got to be a result of better food and more activity – especially strength training. (Did you know that strength training increases the testosterone level in one's body [male or female], and fat makes more estrogen in a body [that one I don't know if it is male or female]. More activity: more hormone balance is my guess.)

Joined the April FBWO forum again – a challenge to meet or beat certain goals for exercise and strength training. The challenge seems to help me keep honest and keep growing in my fitness goals.

One more thing: I want to stop thinking about myself as "getting back into shape." In my mind's eye, that phrase implies that somehow I will feel and look as I did when I was 21 or 22 or 25. But I will never be there again. I'm looking forward to new territory. I don't know what my new fitness motto might be – "fit by 50!", "in fitness and in health", "fit and sassy"??? I am, however, ready to leave that tired old phrase behind.

Marriage

Learned good things about my marriage this week. Saw my marriage through new eyes and feel I've taken a giant step towards understanding and accepting the paradox of human beings: we are both perfectly wonderful and perfectly awful in one human body. Sometimes more of one characteristic shines out, sometimes more of another. But (good) marriage asks me to accept both sides of my partner and MYSELF. This week hubby allowed himself to be vulnerable with me in new ways. His bravery in that was admirable and made me think about how I have been unaccepting of the aspects of his character that are so different from mine. Which also made me see how accepting my husband is of my differences from him. I could feel our relationship shift, like tectonic plates of my heart went "boop" and all had changed just a bit. Enough to see light where there had been only darkness before.

This was the true gift and blessing of the week. Which makes me think of this from Song of Songs (Song of Solomon):

My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.

Song of Solomon 2:10-12 (New International Version), New International Version (NIV), Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

Until we meet again...

May your week be sweet. -Otter pic is from snowy business trip north....