My spouse and I have struggled for a while with the church we have been attending over the last three years. It is a good place, offering me wonderful opportunities for worship services (I like ritual and music, good balance there), and opportunities for fellowship (have met and gotten to know many good individuals), yet an important piece feels to be missing: we have not found connection to the immediate and larger community. So this faith community, in the midst of a neighborhood and town that is growing leaps and bounds, has steadily been losing members.

Many passionate people are encouraging change in the faith community. Yet nothing seems to be happening. Actually, there seems to be second faction, an almost militant group, that makes choices for the church and no changes seem forthcoming.

I've grown tired of this. Along with my own spiritual readings and discovery, and months of discernment and prayer, I'm just reluctant to attend this place.

A journal entry from early this month: "What do I need? Worship – in community. Prayer – personal & communal. Scripture – as information and transformation for self and in community. Tikkun Olam - action to change what is broke (in self, in community). This is not what I have at the church where I attend now. <Sigh> "

So hubby and I are doing this thing that doesn't feel comfortable. It feels very American-Christian, too – shopping for a new worship home. And I am trying to stay in a place of discernment and honesty. I want to prepare myself to go speak with the Pastor, too. Although I feel I've tried that before.

Yuck. It is harder being a grown-up Christian than I thought it would be. All I know about Christianity is what my faith journey has taught me since baptism in '04; plus what I've seen in lovely movies by Hallmark. Perhaps not a very balanced picture just yet!

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Had a great day yesterday. Woke late to beautiful weather. Got to putter around house with hubby, readying our home for summer weather (finally!). Ran a few errands. Went to the library and the library's book sale. Then we "got lost" at our local CeramiCafe. My dad's birthday is coming up, my BIL's birthday is coming up, and we wanted to make ceramic numbers for our newly painted house. Funny, hubby and I pop into that shop thinking we will spend an hour or two, and sometimes the whole day disappears. I think we were there yesterday for about five hours. But we created three very promising pieces. It is one place where hubby and I can work on a project and be in complete harmony. Can't wait until the pieces are fired and come home with us!

House blessing inscribed on the back of our house-number-rectangle-sushi-platter: "May this home and this family always know only health and joy, with love and with peace, with livelihood and with success. Please bless, O God, this abode. Amen, may it be God's will!"

Perhaps more later.

~~~

Later Evening.

This not hiding from myself is so interesting, amazing, strange, wonderful, mystifying. It's changed my marriage for the better. Even if challenging. And it is challenging everything else. Faith (as described above). Work (as only hinted at). In the 1980s I remember reading a book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. That was the first place I learned about comfort zones. Maybe I think I've found the ultimate comfort zone - trusting in God. And from that place of safety, I can push the envelope in other areas of my life. The details of my life that are not satisfying but are within my power to change, I have take steps and make strides to change those things. Right now the scary part is letting go of the crutches. Food was the first one. Others are present, but just now being identified. What may come next?

Stay tuned!