Middle sister is resting downstairs. I'm stealing a few moments to myself to listen to recordings of the Psalms and post here.

What's better? Middle sister has begun the process of wrestling with what living means to her now that there is no longer any "clinical, medical" treatment available. Her breast cancer with mets to bone and liver has left her too weak for another chemo treatment.

But we sisters have talked together, and talked with social workers, and talked to our individuals friends and spouses. Now we begin the real wrestling. How does one live knowing that death can be so close? What choices do we make now, how do we support middle sister?

Everything is challening. I drove middle sister to hospital today for a treatment at the infusion center (not chemo, but an effort at palliative care). Hospital drive up to door of center was blocked by a CRANE. It was pouring. A security person brought a wheel chair to the parking lot for middle sister and then I took the car to valet parking. By the time I got to infusion center, middle sister was laughing hysterically and crying at the same time. Morphine sure is rough on a body. Palliative treatment unsuccessful, we drove home.

High spot: visit with a few social workers skilled in meditation and hypnosis. They brought middle sister through a visualization to help calm and strengthen.

High spot: visiting home nurse helps us navigate the symptoms and feelings middle sister is navigating.

High spot: Middle sister signs the health care proxy -- no more worries that one who cares for her will not be allowed to make medical decisions on her behalf.

Still no real sense of how much time there is. From moment to moment I am either glad and strong to be here. Or wanting to escape and sleep. So far, amazingly (thank God!), no major emotional eating. I'm actually being careful to eat hearty from time-to-time because I think I'm losing weight. But I need my own strength, or I will not be able to care for others. Also, the weather is so much COLDER here than I am used to, so I think I'm burning calories at a higher rate than I would otherwise.

New used laptop arrived. Struggle to set it up. In part, because I don't have long blocks of time to just DO setup. <sigh> I hope I am able to get everything going and have time to work soon. The work will engage my brain in good ways, giving me a mental break from what happens. And it could assure a future job (something I'm not certain of now).

Okay, feeling like I'm blathering now. Again, I'm greatful for the thoughts, prayers, and postings that have been sent my way, and left for me and for my middle sister. May you each and all be blessed in turn as you have blessed me and my family.

Peace, -Otter