I've just finished a light dinner, the rest of the family is in the living room, and I'm pondering what my "resolutions" (or goals) should be for the new year after the lessons of this closing year. Feeling especially thoughtful after a phone conversation with my older half-brother.

Older brother is from my father's first marriage, a boy we didn't get to see but 2x during my childhood. We've tried as adults to have some kind of relationship. Temperamentally, brother tells me that I am more like him than any of his other 5 half-sisters (both his mom and dad got remarried and had daughters). Older brother is a guy I respect and admire. He went back to school in his 40s, and has become a successful manager and has a beautiful family. I'll talk to older brother in the new year, once I return home. I am thinking he can provide some encouragement with my own changes as he describes his process. I have always seen Brother as a very confident man; at the very least maybe the confidence can rub off on me.

* * *

I think baby sister and I are in process of understanding what it will mean to our lives individually and together that we have lost middle sister. Maybe it is something we will adjust to for a lifetime. I still believe the loss has hit baby sister harder than me. They just had such a close relationship. And though I saw my relationship with middle sister as close, we haven't lived in the same city for more than 30 years. Proximity does make a difference.

* * *

Sadly, and cautiously I write this, it is clear to me that I cannot continue working where and how I have been for the last eleven years. I will go back, and I have a plan about what needs to be completed. But unless something changes radically, I can't imagine that I will continue in the same capacity into the 2nd Q of 2009.

A few dreams: become foster parents. Return to school, explore a few topics, and find what I want to do. Win the lottery and live a life of service to others (that's the pipe dream!).

* * *

I am so ready to head home. But I have to wait until new year to go. My hubby began a house remodel while I was here caring for middle sister. There are currently no toilets, no showers, and probably no electricity at the house. I've promised to give hubby into the new year before I return. <sigh> I really wanted to go home and have some time to reflect about all that has conspired over the last 6 weeks before I had to hit the ground running for work. No such luck. Such is the nature of my "doing" hubby. <double sigh>.

* * *

If my grandmother had wheels, she'd have been a trolley car.
new yorker wisdom of the 19th and 20th centuries. :-/

love, -Otter