I started my CK visit today by looking at Blogs. Alphabetically my friends are listed and the content of Miriam's caught my eye first. Both her quote from Blatner about treat vs. snack, and her comments about Lent.

Lent First. Yes, Lent does not have to be about giving up something. I carry with me my understanding of the Lenten times from my experience in Judaism and journeying through Pesach (Passover). I want to let go of what I have enslaved myself to, I am journeying to freedom - in Judaism, the freedom of the hoped for promised land, in Christianity the freedom of our Risen Lord.

So I want to let go of gluttony. To comfort myself, to cope with all that felt overwhelming after middle-sister's death, I went back to my pre-CK habit of using food. Food high in sugar, fat, and caffeine. Three substances that make me spiral into some really bad head- and heart-space.

So, letting go of gluttony is not specific enough. Right now I'm using caffeine to give a boost to my energy. But caffeine, even in small amounts, makes me feel anxious and cranky, exacerbating my sense of loss and loneliness at this time in my life. Great reason to let go of caffeine.

In gluttony, I'm also reaching for sugar. The sugar gives me a boost, and makes me feel emotionally well right after it passes my lips. But there is a price to pay -- once that sugar has been in my blood stream a while, I feel lethargic and then my skin gets bad and my ears itch. This is really siimple - low sugar diet (meaning low treat diet, not low in fruit diet) - clear skin, no earaches, skin that is less dry. Great reason to reduce the sugar.

In gluttony, my last crutch is fat. Bad fat, saturated fat. Fat can change one's body hormone levels and affect emotions that way. High unhealthful fat also makes me feel as though I move through life slowly and in a fog. Fat has double the calories of equivalent size of carbohydrate or protein. Fat is not neutral. Great reason to reduce my fat intake, and change the types of dietary fats I choose to use.

All of these changes bring up fear. Fear of failure. Fear of "not enough." Fear of whining - but I deserve my treats! All of these changes challenge me to TRUST. I have enough, I have what I need, God's been good to me, trust the goodness!

Grieving. I can already sense some saying "but you're in grief, you need time, you ask too much of yourself...." And maybe many other sensitive, kind, or clever things. But what I know about my life - maybe everyone's life - change, especially healthy change, doesn't come unless I seek it and work it. It is time to grow into the woman who has one living sister, and who remembers and misses her one gone sister. Time to leave behind the woman who can't function because she has only one sister left. Yuck, I don't even like the way that looks when I type it out, but that's how I've been living.

Apologies. So those are my good intentions for Lent. And I will pray and find the balance between Mary/Martha lifestyle in order to grow into healing and health. Some people won't understand the struggle, or will wish that I do my struggle differently, or something. Disagreement is okay. But I hope I don't hurt anyone by the choices I have to make, the new -improved- habits I have to start making.

So, not even sure I'm still coherent. But I'm ready to face the rest of my day.

If you've visited, THANKS. Enjoy your snacks today, think twice about your treats! Love, -Otter