A little more than a week ago I was home sick, having late breakfast with hubby. Knock on the door was the county sheriff. Hubby had not paid our remodelers for work they'd done in December and January, and now the issue is in small claims court.

Issue brought to light how I've had my head in the sand. Hubby deals with learning disabilities and some physical disabilities, and can be an angry guy. We'd never found a decent way to deal with our family's finances except by having me give hubby a certain portion of my salary each month, and then hubby pays all bills.

Except living in a marriage isn't really ever that simple. This sort of problem with funds has happened before in our marriage. This is the time that I understand hubby can't be different and I will always be at his mercy when it comes to finances unless i get myself out of the marraige.

Hubby agrees. We're not angry. We don't hate each other. Our deep love for one another has us recognizing our limitations and how we've fallen short. We're afraid. We don't know if we'll have disagreements as we get to the dissolution. I'm already anticipating with sadness the kind of loneliness that I will have when this man won't be in our home every day.

I need to do what is healthy for me. Along with eating right and exercising, and I need to have influence over my own financial future. In this marriage, with this man's limitations and my own fears, these things will never happen. Time for change.

Triage: Get the small claims thing cared for; finish remodel so house is livable (in case it needs to be rented out, or roommates found), file for divorce by Oct 1 so that it can be final by Dec 31 and I can begin the new year in a new tax bracket.

On the Mundane Side: No Beck Diet Efforts today. Ate a donut as big as my head (no guilt). Plans to ride bike tonight, rode for 70 minutes yesterday. Continuing to be physically active, read my ARCs, do what I can.

Really, I should seek some kind of counseling to help me over the rough places.

you OTTER know, i'll be back!