I shot off my last blog post while at work, didn't get to finish my thoughts or proof my post. Thanks to those who visited! and here are a few more thoughts I wanted to add.

* * *

During this difficult phase in my marriage, I had had an onion-blind dream. All I can remember now is that I was surrounded by family, I was preparing for a family event, but I couldn't see a darn thing. Onion blind.

When I woke, I marveled at how often in my life I've had dreams where I am onion blind. So I did that web search, and being blind in dreams can mean that I'm overlooking something. Something important. I wondered if it was something about my marriage. Or maybe my choice to live so far away from my blood family. So I consider myself in a process of prayer and discernment. More will be revealed as time passes.

* * *

I spoke to my Dad today, just out of the hospital after surgery to remove a large colin polyp. Thankfully, there was no cancer. I let my dad talk for a while, I just listened and asked questions. Then there was a lull, and he asked "how have you been." I started to make light -- I'm okay, garden is well, work is busy. But then something in my dad's voice made me want to be a little more honest. So I said "my marriage had a bit of a crisis, and I think hubby and I are navigating well the crisis, so there is still much to be learned but we're out of crisis phase." Dad said "that's the nature of marriages. there's always a crisis."

As I ponder the words we shared, and how my feelings for my dad have changed over time, I have been wondering if I really need to live so far away from the small family that is left to me.

My baby sister, her husband and child, my step mom (divorced from my dad for more than 30 years), and my dad. Consistently over the past five years each and all of these folks have expressed their love for me and interest in me.

I didn't believe they cared for me, I left their home in 1974 and never returned. I didn't speak to my dad for almost 15 years. But I see things so differently now.

I have no answer. But after the bloody war of family life that was ours while we all lived under one roof in the early 1970s, it is a healing balm to find we truly care for and love one another. And (surprise of surprises), that our actions during those distant days were also motivated out of love, caring and loyalty.

But things must be cared for in order: Financial troubles smoothed, marriage issues placed in perspective (dissolve or reconciled to the limitations), then work location and blood family.

Still, I am just halfway through this year of change, and I expect much more to happen.

* * *

Balancing: I rode the bike for three hours this morning, preparing for the up-coming Bridge Pedal (which took me 4 hours to complete last year). It was a very good ride, and a nice chance to explore areas of the city just to our north. If I could ride my bike three hours every day, I could eat whatever I wanted. Of course, I would have little time to do things like grocery shop, clean my house, talk to hubby, or go to church. But I could eat anything I wanted!

Balancing 2: Reading a lot of God stuff. Thinking about how unique and mysterious, wonderful and awesome is the journey to find God, to hear the voice of God and find evidence of the Holy Spirit. At this point in my life, I'm surprised when I meet and befriend someone who is a true atheist. Someone who absolutely feels no sense of a power bigger than themselves, an intelligent-sense through all of creation that can't be explained. My dad (my heart calls him my doubting-thomas) tells me he is an atheist. But his language to me (spoken and unspoken) often is filled with the poetry and beauty of creation, and comfort at the order of life. Though dad does not call himself a theist, or even an agnostic, in his language I find evidence that he believes.

Balancing 3: Garden grows wild, and some parts are waning. Compost bins begun. Gathering peas and beans for food and for seed for next year. I am a part of the great cycle of life! Language of the garden, of earth, of greens, is a new language to me. And a new way to recognize my Lord.

* * *

Garlic has been harvested, and soon it will be time to harvest the onions. It looks like they've bulbed well, and then that area of our graden will be groomed for our autumn plantings. Since I began with onions, this seems a good place to close the post today.

I muddle through, amazed a life's mysteries, grateful for gifts, and trying to be true to my human and god-given natures.

Peace be with you as you journey along, also! May someone surprise you this day. -Otter