PLATEOFSTARS's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Dec 18 2009 - You have to want it bad enough...
View PLATEOFSTARS's food & exercise for this day
It's somewhat ironic that my husband and I happened to be out for dinner when the conversation came up, but anyway - here it is.
My husband has a friend that he goes to school with who, with his wife, often spends time with us especially for parties and celebrations which are school related.
They are a lovely couple - I enjoy spending time with them... except when they bicker.
And the worst of it - they bicker because of her weight.
This is how a typical evening with them turns out... and to help the story... Let's call the husband "H" and the wife "W".... H and W show up at our place for a party or dinner and drinks. Everything's going fine and dandy... everyone's laughing, enjoying, eating, drinking... good times to be had by all.
Until a point where H turns to W, usually in hushed tone, but of course everyone notices, and tell her she's "had enough"... usually in reference to food or alcohol or both.
At which point, understandably, W gets really upset and the two of them continue bickering the rest of the night until they leave.
My husband, to make matters worse... one night went to their place for dinner and I stayed home because I had been eating terribly that week. Of course, while my husband was at their place, the topic of "weight" came up. Whereby, bless his well-meaning heart, my husband tries to tell H and W that I have been losing weight and that "all it takes" is watching what you eat and drink and try exercising a bit more.
I nearly fainted when I heard this from him later! No one wants to be told how to lose weight from anyone... least of all a stranger!
Anyway, so fast forward to dinner a few nights ago where my husband and I are talking about H & W. Apparently things have been getting worse and worse between H & W. They've been fighting a lot more and W has been gaining more weight and doesn't make any effort to lose (or at least not gain).
I should add that these two are people who both LOVE to eat and LOVE to drink just as much. One of their favourite topics of conversation is food and restaurants to try.
Unfortunately, H is still quite thin despite the gigantic portions he eats.
Anyway, so H has been complaining about how W won't go out an exercise, that he wants to do more active things with her but all she wants to do is sit at home watching movies or television or eating.
My husband is telling me all this and he makes the statement "W just doesn't want to lose weight."
And I promptly corrected him. I am 100% SURE she wants to lose weight. The dilemma EVERY overweight person faces when it comes to motivating themselves to lose weight is that they want both.
They want to eat/exercise in the same amounts they are currently AND they want to lose weight.
BUT... you can't have both. So... what ends up happening is you have to choose one "want" over the other. If you want to lose weight bad enough, you'll make sacrifices with your food choices/activity level. If you don't want to change your life that badly, you'll sacrifice losing weight.
It is that simple.
So... when my husband asked why it's "so easy" for me and "so hard" for W... I told him it's not about being easy because it's not. It's about how bad you want it.
But I guess the saddest part of this story is that I now feel apprehensive to see H & W this holiday season... The last time I saw them I was 20 lbs heavier... I really don't want to be a catalyst for an argument between the two of them... give H the ammo to say to W "Look, Nicole can do it, why can't you?"
My husband has a friend that he goes to school with who, with his wife, often spends time with us especially for parties and celebrations which are school related.
They are a lovely couple - I enjoy spending time with them... except when they bicker.
And the worst of it - they bicker because of her weight.
This is how a typical evening with them turns out... and to help the story... Let's call the husband "H" and the wife "W".... H and W show up at our place for a party or dinner and drinks. Everything's going fine and dandy... everyone's laughing, enjoying, eating, drinking... good times to be had by all.
Until a point where H turns to W, usually in hushed tone, but of course everyone notices, and tell her she's "had enough"... usually in reference to food or alcohol or both.
At which point, understandably, W gets really upset and the two of them continue bickering the rest of the night until they leave.
My husband, to make matters worse... one night went to their place for dinner and I stayed home because I had been eating terribly that week. Of course, while my husband was at their place, the topic of "weight" came up. Whereby, bless his well-meaning heart, my husband tries to tell H and W that I have been losing weight and that "all it takes" is watching what you eat and drink and try exercising a bit more.
I nearly fainted when I heard this from him later! No one wants to be told how to lose weight from anyone... least of all a stranger!
Anyway, so fast forward to dinner a few nights ago where my husband and I are talking about H & W. Apparently things have been getting worse and worse between H & W. They've been fighting a lot more and W has been gaining more weight and doesn't make any effort to lose (or at least not gain).
I should add that these two are people who both LOVE to eat and LOVE to drink just as much. One of their favourite topics of conversation is food and restaurants to try.
Unfortunately, H is still quite thin despite the gigantic portions he eats.
Anyway, so H has been complaining about how W won't go out an exercise, that he wants to do more active things with her but all she wants to do is sit at home watching movies or television or eating.
My husband is telling me all this and he makes the statement "W just doesn't want to lose weight."
And I promptly corrected him. I am 100% SURE she wants to lose weight. The dilemma EVERY overweight person faces when it comes to motivating themselves to lose weight is that they want both.
They want to eat/exercise in the same amounts they are currently AND they want to lose weight.
BUT... you can't have both. So... what ends up happening is you have to choose one "want" over the other. If you want to lose weight bad enough, you'll make sacrifices with your food choices/activity level. If you don't want to change your life that badly, you'll sacrifice losing weight.
It is that simple.
So... when my husband asked why it's "so easy" for me and "so hard" for W... I told him it's not about being easy because it's not. It's about how bad you want it.
But I guess the saddest part of this story is that I now feel apprehensive to see H & W this holiday season... The last time I saw them I was 20 lbs heavier... I really don't want to be a catalyst for an argument between the two of them... give H the ammo to say to W "Look, Nicole can do it, why can't you?"
5 comments so far.
5.
a decade ago
You love yourself, you're proud of yourself and you are not going to make yourself feel guilty. Those are beautiful words! Keep up the good work!
by GTHEISEN
4.
a decade ago
Oh that is such a sad story. I had an ex husband that was very much like H is. He could eat anything he wanted and not gain a pound and when I would eat the same things, of course, I would gain. I felt terrible about myself and when I would try to get him to work out with me he would decline and instead go a different gym on his way home to work out instead of working out with me. Such the supportive husband that he was...hence the fact that he is an EX husband. I see a lot of hard times in their future if they aren't able to get past that. He has to love her for who she is no matter what she weighs, without that why bother staying married. His words are not encouraging and seem to do the exact opposite to his wife and may actually be causing her to eat more out of stress. I feel for her.
But you don't have to feel bad about your sucess at losing weight either!! Your right, losing weight is very hard. It takes a lot of dedication and deterimination, you have that! It is possible that she may turn to you for help when she sees how far you have come. It is not your responsiblity to ensure they dont fight. Be proud of yourself!!
by TNYBUBBLZ
3.
a decade ago
Thanks ladies for weighing in on this one - it's a tough situation FOR SURE. But I sort of decided last night... when I was out dancing with some girl friends... that I love myself, I am proud of myself and I am not going to let myself feel guilty for all my hard work when I am around this woman just because she's not at a place in her life where she's ready to lose weight and even if it means she may feel bad about herself if she sees someone she knows doing something she's not and feels she should be (losing weight)
:smile1:
:thumbu2:
How she feels as a result of my weight loss is HER responsibility... not mine.
Of course I won't go rubbing it in her face... but I've decided it's ridiculous to let myself feel bad about something I feel so good about.
by PLATEOFSTARS
2.
a decade ago
to add to the other comment, maybe W isn't ready. it's a rough challenge to decide you are going to fully embrace a healthy life style. you are there...your husband sees that...this is rare! so congrat yourself, be there for her, and call it a night!
:)
by EAENGSTROM
1.
a decade ago
It's a tough situation. But don't feel bad - MAYBE when W sees you, you will give her hope, and the push she needed to realize that she can do it, too. It's so hard taking that first step, and you're completely right - of course she wants to lose weight, but it would be ideal if she could do so without changing her lifestyle. It's even harder since her husband has the same lifestyle, but doesn't have a weight issue. So maybe seeing that you, a person she knows well that isn't some crazy exercise nut but a normal person, took that step and found the initiative and that it's worked for you, maybe that will help her! Don't worry about starting a fight - they probably will fight, it sounds like an issue with them, but even if it's ostensibly because you've lost weight, it's not your fault, and it sounds like they would have had the fight anyway. It's terrible and I feel sorry for her. And the worst part is, H probably isn't a huge jerk, he probably just really doesn't get it, and he's worried about her, and thinks he's helping. Just like your husband had no clue that he was stepping his foot in it when he said 'all it takes...' and that she just doesn't want to lose weight. It doesn't make him a bad guy, it just shows how clueless people are who've never had an issue with food and weight!
by LTHOMP38