PLATEOFSTARS's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Jul 9 2010
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This blog post is going to be of very sensitive nature for me and I ask that, if you decide to keep reading, you read with compassion and understand that I am going through a very difficult time in my life and if you do decide to comment I plead that you be thoughtful and non-judgemental.
I wouldn't probably put this sensitive of information here on my CK blog, but a surprisingly large part of why I am going through the change I will describe (at least why I am going through it now) is directly related to my weight loss.
This week I finally "came out."
I have been fairly openly identified as bisexual for the past 6 years but have been questioning the past year and a half whether I might not actually be a lesbian.
This was a very difficult question to ask myself given the fact that I have a husband...
It is with the incredible amounts of strength, courage, will, determination, self-awareness, self-discovery, confidence and ultimately the success of having redefined myself physically that has lent those same qualities to be able to challenge other areas of my life.
In essence, having lost weight and been able to challenge myself to do so... has given me the confidence to be able to fully challenge and accept my sexuality.
I have been seeing a therapist for mostly other reasons these past 2 years but she and I have spent a lot of time talking about my sexuality as well as issues with my marriage. This past monday was the moment of break through where I finally admitted I am sure I am a lesbian but have been denying it for fear of so many things.
For fear of losing my life partner. For fear of leaving the shelter of heterosexual privilege. For fear of the unknown. For fear of being alone. For fear of being wrong. For fear of societal perception of me. For fear of not knowing "how" to be a lesbian.
I came out to my husband a couple of nights ago and the amazing man that he is - his first reaction was one of love and compassion. His second reaction was hurt - trying to find where he went wrong, how he could be better... but we're getting through that. This wasn't such a huge shock for him knowing I identified as bisexual even before having met him and knowing that I am rarely attracted to men... and him also knowing that I have been thinking about the possibility for the past 6 months at least.
It's really hard, but I feel strong, you know?
And I thank my weight loss a lot for that strength and confidence in my own ability to get through this.
I don't know what today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year will bring for me. What me being a lesbian in a marriage to a man means. But I do know now, more than ever, that...
I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO. I CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
I will not settle for being any less than the best version of myself.
I wouldn't probably put this sensitive of information here on my CK blog, but a surprisingly large part of why I am going through the change I will describe (at least why I am going through it now) is directly related to my weight loss.
This week I finally "came out."
I have been fairly openly identified as bisexual for the past 6 years but have been questioning the past year and a half whether I might not actually be a lesbian.
This was a very difficult question to ask myself given the fact that I have a husband...
It is with the incredible amounts of strength, courage, will, determination, self-awareness, self-discovery, confidence and ultimately the success of having redefined myself physically that has lent those same qualities to be able to challenge other areas of my life.
In essence, having lost weight and been able to challenge myself to do so... has given me the confidence to be able to fully challenge and accept my sexuality.
I have been seeing a therapist for mostly other reasons these past 2 years but she and I have spent a lot of time talking about my sexuality as well as issues with my marriage. This past monday was the moment of break through where I finally admitted I am sure I am a lesbian but have been denying it for fear of so many things.
For fear of losing my life partner. For fear of leaving the shelter of heterosexual privilege. For fear of the unknown. For fear of being alone. For fear of being wrong. For fear of societal perception of me. For fear of not knowing "how" to be a lesbian.
I came out to my husband a couple of nights ago and the amazing man that he is - his first reaction was one of love and compassion. His second reaction was hurt - trying to find where he went wrong, how he could be better... but we're getting through that. This wasn't such a huge shock for him knowing I identified as bisexual even before having met him and knowing that I am rarely attracted to men... and him also knowing that I have been thinking about the possibility for the past 6 months at least.
It's really hard, but I feel strong, you know?
And I thank my weight loss a lot for that strength and confidence in my own ability to get through this.
I don't know what today, tomorrow, next week, next month or next year will bring for me. What me being a lesbian in a marriage to a man means. But I do know now, more than ever, that...
I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO. I CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
I will not settle for being any less than the best version of myself.
17 comments so far.
17.
a decade ago
Nicole...I am proud of you. Your post made my stomach do flips...I absolutely identify with what you are saying. Stay strong Sister.
by RHOGO78
16.
a decade ago
Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the hardest thing to do. We need to live for who we are and not who we think we should be! Hugs Deb
by MRSDSB
15.
a decade ago
Just reading this now Nicole. I'm happy that you are finally to a point where you can evaluate and be 100% honest with yourself. These things are never easy.
I had a fairly long relationship with someone that ended in him telling me he was gay. It was long ago and we were both young. And while it hurt, I was ultimately happy that he was going to live the life he wanted. I never blamed him for what happened, and I know that he loved me as much as he possibly could have. And while it was different from the love I had for him, it was no less. We are still friends.
This is going to be tough, but, you only get this one life. Sometimes it takes courage to figure out who we really are. And once you figure it out, real fortitude to embrace ourselves. Kudos for doing both.
((HUGS))
by AUBRIEANNIE
14.
a decade ago
Thank you everyone. You have no idea how scared I was to post this message in my blog. I don't really know each of you and through the net, people sometimes forget to use their "human filter". You have all been so compassionate and offered incredible words of encouragement.
I am humbled and grateful to have you in my life, if only electronically.
I get stronger everyday. Yesterday was the first of 6 days where I didn't cry or try to blame myself for what I'm going through and, by proxy, what my husband is going through.
by PLATEOFSTARS
13.
a decade ago
Nicole, I don't have anything to add that the previous posters haven't already said. You are a brave and determined woman. You will find the way that is the best for you and yours. ((hugs))
by MAURABARTLEY
12.
a decade ago
Nicole-I also just came back from a long weekend away and read your blog. So many people have already made comments that echo my thoughts exactly. I like Ricks comment about overweight women feeling oppressed and locked within themselves. I agree. I pray you will find the strength to figure it all out and will be so much happier with yourself and your life. Hugs to you, I'm thinking of you.
:heart1:
by ROZCRW4
11.
a decade ago
Amazing what a little weight loss will do for a girl isn't it? <br>
<br>
The fear of Not being true to your self should crush any and all other fears, period. As far as I know, we get one shot at this Life thing, so we had better live it like there is no tomorrow, and live it as honestly as possible. <br>
<br>
I have no advice for you other than to do some research on the internet and see how other women have handled this, especially the being happily married part. Otherwise, follow your instincts as much as possible, without impeding negatively on other's lives as much as possible, and you'll figure it out. :-)
by CALYOPI123
10.
a decade ago
Sorry, I just came across this today - I would have commented before.
Being able to come upon this realization this and accept this and move forward will take a huge load off your shoulders in some regards, but open you up to scrutiny in many others.
I've seen some friends go through a break-up of their marriage because the wife came out. She is happier than I have ever seen. I hope the same for you.
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI
9.
a decade ago
wow! what a brave journey to "not settle for being any less than the less version of yourself", and what brave person you are!
:clap:
by PD001
8.
a decade ago
You will find your way, now that you've spoken the truth, it has certainatelybegun to set you free in other areas. Love yourself more everyday, enjoy and fully accept and embrace who you are. V
life is way too short!
by PAPERBACKNOVEL
7.
a decade ago
Ha! Rick... my retort would be 'when is a woman wasting herself?' I think most lesbians I know would say it's a shame so many good women are wasted on men!
:wink3:
:laugh5:
:thumbu2:
Thank you ALL for your kind and compassionate responses to this entry. It's been a real battle the last few days and will continue to be. Each day has 3 steps back but always just as many, if not more... forward.
by PLATEOFSTARS
6.
a decade ago
Nicole, I have been thinking for a few days on how to comment on your choice. I am always amazed by the people here that find so much strength as the journey to better health progresses. For women especially it seems that being heavy is very oppressive and keeps them locked in themselves. THe man part of me says. I hate to see a beautiful woman go to waste, but the better part says. If it makes you happier and at peace with yourself then its a good thing.
by RICK6003
5.
a decade ago
Big hugs to you girl!
:kiss: Things will eventully settle down once the initial shock wears off. Sometimes we don't know what our true self is our entire lives, it sounds like you have come to terms with who you are and in time those around you will learn to accept you for who you are no matter what. That is what we do when we love someone, we respect them for who they are and we dont judge them. Your husbands reaction is likely a normal one for most partners that find themselves in that situation, give him time to adjust to the shock, I pray that you both can find a way to be there for each other as life plays out for you both. Lots of love, respect and heartfelt empathy from me being sent in your direction.
by TNYBUBBLZ
4.
a decade ago
*HUG!*
Oh Nicole! You can do anything and you should never settle for anything besides the best version of you. I can't relate exactly to your situation but I too found that as I grew stronger and more confident in myself that I realized I didn't want to settle for anything less than the best and have made many changes (including moving out of my exbf's place to my own place) in line with this growth.
I am definitely here for you if you need to talk!
by MYSQRL
3.
a decade ago
Hugs, Nicole. It won't be easy but you'll figure it out. You're a strong woman. You've shown us that repeatedly. Bless you.
by GOODKAT
2.
a decade ago
I lived with a Lesbian/bi couple for three years, up until a few months ago. They were my best friends, and It broke my heart to see the pain and fights they had to face. I always wondered why no one else could see what I saw: two people in love, going through the everyday trials of relationships. Two people (or atleast half the couple) that chose each other based on personality over gender.
I am trying to relate, though I cannot say I know how you feel. But I did console the one that came home one day after finally, convincing her parents that this was not a "phase." (Two years into the relationship.)
Basically, I know life is complex and tough right now. Try to surround yourself with those who support you and try their best to understand.
For you, I send strength, clarity, comfort, and peace.
I pray that life manages to balance itself.
I hope that you can tune out those who are judgemental, because they have NO idea what you are going through.
To thine own self be true---Whatever that is, no matter if it's hard or against the grain. That's when you'll be your happiest.
by WRKN925
1.
a decade ago
Good for you for finding the strength to be honest with yourself. I so admire your determination and your ability to put your self first. Best wishes to you for getting through this difficult time.
by JEWELS711