PLATEOFSTARS's CalorieKing blog
Tuesday, Aug 10 2010
View PLATEOFSTARS's food & exercise for this day
I blogged here on CK about a month ago about a transition I am going through.
I realized, this summer, through much soul searching, that I am a lesbian. This does not come without difficulty for anyone - least of all someone with a husband who loves her dearly.
My husband and I spent a while last night talking about our relationship - possible next steps. All the good we have. The good people we both find the other person to be.
He keeps telling me he wants me to be happy. He's told me so many times that I "shine". That there is something about me that lights up. I think I know what he's talking about, because I feel it in myself. I feel the energy that courses through me when I'm at peace. when I'm doing my thing... creating, dreaming, laughing, revelling in simple joys.
He told me last night that I need to decide what I want. To chase what makes me happy and to abandon what doesn't. So much of what makes me happy is wrapped up in what he and I have together that it is hard for me to see past that.
I've been trying to push through. To be honest... I am stalling making any big changes in my life as a result of realizing I'm a lesbian. For all my strength and all my supposed bravery... I'm still very scared.
I suppose I thought I would be ok in this "waiting place" I've kept myself in. Kept my husband in. I suppose I thought I could ignore that change is imminent.
But today my manager called me into her office to ask me if I'm ok. "You don't seem like you've been yourself lately. Is everything ok with you?"
Of course I lied and said I'm fine... but something about her not only noticing, but saying something and being concerned really hit me.
I. am. NOT. ok.
If the best of my efforts to push through, work hard, be my regular old self at work isn't working and my internal dilemmas are showing through, even at work... I must not be ok.
In some ways it makes me really sad that she's noticed. Embarrassed even. In other ways I am glad for it... it's kind of snapping me out of my delusion that I can pretend nothing's changed or changing.
Darn.
I've got some hard work ahead of me.
I realized, this summer, through much soul searching, that I am a lesbian. This does not come without difficulty for anyone - least of all someone with a husband who loves her dearly.
My husband and I spent a while last night talking about our relationship - possible next steps. All the good we have. The good people we both find the other person to be.
He keeps telling me he wants me to be happy. He's told me so many times that I "shine". That there is something about me that lights up. I think I know what he's talking about, because I feel it in myself. I feel the energy that courses through me when I'm at peace. when I'm doing my thing... creating, dreaming, laughing, revelling in simple joys.
He told me last night that I need to decide what I want. To chase what makes me happy and to abandon what doesn't. So much of what makes me happy is wrapped up in what he and I have together that it is hard for me to see past that.
I've been trying to push through. To be honest... I am stalling making any big changes in my life as a result of realizing I'm a lesbian. For all my strength and all my supposed bravery... I'm still very scared.
I suppose I thought I would be ok in this "waiting place" I've kept myself in. Kept my husband in. I suppose I thought I could ignore that change is imminent.
But today my manager called me into her office to ask me if I'm ok. "You don't seem like you've been yourself lately. Is everything ok with you?"
Of course I lied and said I'm fine... but something about her not only noticing, but saying something and being concerned really hit me.
I. am. NOT. ok.
If the best of my efforts to push through, work hard, be my regular old self at work isn't working and my internal dilemmas are showing through, even at work... I must not be ok.
In some ways it makes me really sad that she's noticed. Embarrassed even. In other ways I am glad for it... it's kind of snapping me out of my delusion that I can pretend nothing's changed or changing.
Darn.
I've got some hard work ahead of me.
4 comments so far.
4.
a decade ago
just imagine how awful it would be to hold this knowledge forever... to disallow yourself to not be who you "are" would be awful. i am so proud of you for making changes... and for following your true self. have faith because i think your on the right path... just trust that your soul searching will lead you in the right direction. it sounds like your hubby has been very supportive, and it sounds as though you have an amazing friendship for years to come.
by RAEANNESISSON
3.
a decade ago
((hugs)) to you....
by MAURABARTLEY
2.
a decade ago
I dont envy the path that you have to travel down in an effort to really find who your supposed to be and what makes you happy, but I do envy that fact that you have the courage to do just that. You're a strong woman, you have people who love and care for you and want to see you happy. Try not to let the fear of what is out there next for your paralyze you into a life where you're not happy. Have faith in yourself and trust that everything happens for a reason and that you're strong enough to take on anything that life can dish out at you, because we know that you are that strong person. Here's a big hug heading in your direction!!
:kiss:
by TNYBUBBLZ
1.
a decade ago
You do have a hard journey ahead of you. But knowing you are on the right path will make it easier than you realize. Your hubby seems to be an amazing person who I think will help you through this process. I am sure it is as difficult for him as it is for you, but you both clearly love each other and that really is an advantage! As soon as you take that one huge leap of faith the other leaps I hope will start to fall into place for you! HUGS!!!
by MRSDSB