Last week I went to the movies with a few friends. I don't normally like going to the theatre because I get all bothered by the amount of trailers and commercials they pass before the feature... I don't think it's right that I pay $15+ dollars to have the people I'm paying make money from somebody else too to try and sell me their products. I came for what I already paid for which was the movie. I didn't pay to be sold something else.

(sorry, I do get on a soapbox about it.....)

Anyway, without even noticing it, I pulled my legs up in the seat while watching the movie. I only made note of it later when my movie-companion asked me "when did you realized you could do that... pull your legs up into the seat?"

And I got to thinking about it. The old me would have never even thought about pulling her legs up into the seat because it would have been a physical impossibility. My hips nearly or did fill up the width of the seat and my butt spanned the depth. No spare room for feet or leg bending.

And then I started thinking about the other things the "new Nicole" does that the old Nicole would have never been able to do because of size or been intimidated to do.

For example... I have no problem, now, feeling more than comfortable and don't think twice about sitting in an empty seat between 2 others on the subway. The old me would have never even tried.

The new me doesn't really care from what angle a picture is being taken of me because I'm fairly certain I won't look "fat" in the picture. The old me would have obsessed for at least 5-10 minutes before the picture was taken to make sure the photographer got the right angle... that my shirt was laying favourably over my stomach, that my arms were hidden behind my back, that my chin was protruding out a bit to minimize the double chins, no side shots... etc etc.

The new me doesn't care what I look like when I go to the gym. I don't worry about things jiggling or what people will think if an exercise gets me out of breath or sweat like a pig.

The new me shops for form-fitting clothing to show off my curves whereas the old me tried to find the loosest clothes to drape over her body so that the "rolls" couldn't be distinguished. The old me would have never even THOUGHT about tucking in a shirt!!

The new me doesn't obsess over whether or not I might break a chair if I sit on it. Whether my legs will chafe in the heat if I walk too much wearing a skirt. Doesn't worry about wearing tank tops because she thinks people will stare at her arms and think "wow, they are the same size as her head".

I guess the difference is how I have "mentalized" myself over time. I used to mentalize and see myself as fat and that being fat meant certain things and I would really engage in self-deprecating thoughts and anxiety about what I thought OTHER people were thinking about me. To the point of paralyzing me sometimes.

Now mentalizing myself as thin, I don't put those barriers on myself. I don't care as much about what others think of me.

It's just a new way to see myself. To feel myself. To sense myself in the world around me.

And I think I like it!