Something weird is starting to happen to me these days. 6 months ago I used to focus on how much time I’d be able to spend playing World of Warcraft. I used to get up super early every morning just so I could play an hour or two before having to get ready to work. My weekends often revolved around that laptop and plunging myself into some fantasy world because I was afraid to face the world in front of me. I would be irritated if I had to go somewhere and often thought about when I would get home and be able to attach myself to something that wasn’t even real…

It was real to me for 4+ years.

Fast forward to present day and I no longer think about World of Warcraft (though I do keep my authenticator with me as a reminder of what I will never do again). Average daily use of laptop today is about 15 – 30 minutes where 6 months ago it would be 4- 6 hours (weekends it would average up to 8 hours). I have access to computer at work and am able to do my blog, keep up with everyone on my blogroll and CalorieKing. I no longer hover over the computer at home.

I am waking up every morning wanting to move. I can’t get out of the house fast enough to get to the gym. I used to get on the Wii for 30 minutes and be dogged tired. Now 60 minutes on the elliptical is not enough. I alternate between run / swim / cardio on non-training days because of time allowance. Now the weekends are something I look forward to because I can run and swim!

Saturday was no exception.

On days where I would sleep in as late as possible because I was up all night playing WoW, I’m getting up at 7am to get to the gym by 8. Saturday I got up and the first thing I thought was “what kind of sweat am I going to break today?” I went to the gym knowing I was going to run on the treadmill. I used to be afraid of that 3.1 mile mark when I started running and these days all I want to do is run past it.

Which is exactly what I did:


3.22 is the farthest I’ve ever run before. In my entire life. It’s still taking me some time (46 minutes by the machine there) but that 46 minutes was not spent on the computer. It was spent becoming a stronger person. It was spent becoming an athlete.

And because it was Saturday, I swam for a mile afterwards.

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Elliptical epiphany? Is it even possible? Evidently it is because I had one on Sunday about 1/2 way through my hour. My new music selection on my iPod was going fantastically. I was totally in a groove until Enimem’s “Cleaning out my Closet“ song came on. Now I’ve listened to this countless times before Sunday and know all the words but they never hit me like a ton of bricks before…

The song is about coming clean with what really happened in your childhood. I’d post the words but seriously if you don’t actually hear the words then I can’t do it justice. It’s about a father who left and a mother who pretty much screwed up any chances of having a normal childhood.

I closed my eyes and thought about my own mother and father and about how getting through my past to reach my future in this LCJ I have to clean out my closets as well. There are things I need to seriously acknowledge in order to understand what kind of strength it takes to move forward in this journey not only in weight loss but just in life-sustaining happiness.

You guessed it I cried.

I cried because I am the child of an alcoholic mother. A child of an abandoned father. A child of sexual abuse. Physical abuse. Mental abuse. I cried because I am the survivor of my own drug addictions. Domestic violence. Discrimination. I cried because after all of this, here I was on the elliptical, sweat pouring off my face, almost 40 pounds off my body, surviving.

I am surviving.

I am surviving without relying on food to cover my feelings. I am surviving without relying on anti-depressants to cover my feelings. I don’t need a fantasy world to help me get by any longer.

I am present in my reality.

I am clear headed.

I will not go down without a fight.

The song ended and I opened my eyes to see the world around me. Machines that help me sweat. Machines that make me stronger. Machines that are like boxing gloves that I slip over my hands to take on the fight of my life.

I will win.

Will you?

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Superman was today. I have three words for you. 1) I 2) HATE 3) PLANKS.

Just saying.

All in all it was probably one of the best sessions thus far. He pushed and I pushed back. He said “one more” and I gave it to him with a smile on my face (or at least a grimacing smile). I asked him if anyone had ever curled up and cried on the floor after his sessions to which he replied: “No but the biggest compliment I ever get is when they throw up”…

O_o

We get done doing lunges (which I can now put my knee on the floor AND get back up), bicep curls (which I graduated to 40 pounds) and skull crushers and some other stuff that has me sweating like a crazed lunatic and then he lays the following items on the ground out in front of me:



And promptly tells me I’m going to do planks on all three of these, 30 seconds each. I’m pretty sure a resounding “NO” came out of my mouth. I’ve never done a plank before. Let alone for 30 seconds. Let alone on round things that move.

Well I’m happy to report that not only did I do each one for 30 seconds, I repeated the process. I was pretty angry by the end of the last round. But then Superman did something really cool…

He patted me on the back and said “good job”.

That was all I needed.